Real* emails from real readers…

“Please don’t mention that CBS News poll showing I’m losing by five points to Rick Scott, because the underlying data proves I have no path to victory.” –Bill “Spaceman” Nelson

“Was Question 3 from the CBS News poll one of the underlying data points Bill Nelson is worried about? If you suck at math, the top two lines total 77 percent.” –Future U.S. Senator Rick Scott

“Rick Scott can’t claim all the credit for trouncing Nelson. My blistering TV campaign chopped Nelson’s legs out from under him. Have you seen the head-to-head job approval numbers on Questions 8 and 9? I’m literally melting the Spaceman down before your very eyes.” –Curt “TV is Still King” Anderson

“I don’t mind one bit if Curt gets all the credit for Nelson’s falling job approval numbers. But you gotta admit this disco music played a role.” –Nelson “Citizens United” Warfield

“Since Democrats are obviously losing on ‘pocketbook issues,’ we need to attack Republicans on things that really energize their base, like guns and immigration. That plan failed miserably in 2010, 2014, and 2016, but I’ll bet my life savings it’ll work this time.” –Chris “The Spoiler” King

“Please don’t call any attention to Question 32 on the CBS News poll, because it undermines my “Year of the Woman” narrative, since 54% of respondents were women.” –Bob Graham’s daughter

“Maybe we can manufacture a ‘blue wave’ by kicking Republicans out of restaurants and spitting at them in movie theaters.” –Florida Democrats

“Of all the movies they could have chased me from, they picked Mister Rogers. That’s just not very neighborly.” –Pam “Coulda Been Govnah” Bondi

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that spitting and screaming liberals can tell the difference between concrete data points and completely fabricated emails that still contain more truth than the Democrat Party’s manufactured outrage.