Money talks, the saying goes, and in no other industry does money talk louder than in politics. Here in Florida, money is practically screaming right in our ears, but in some corners of the state, it’s just humming a quiet tune. You can even hear it if you know where to listen.
In this week’s edition of Monday Mailbag, we’re airing the usual dirty laundry, along with a heaping helping of financial analysis to help all the average joes out there make sense of the dollars as they flow this way and that. What follows are Real* Emails from Real* Readers of The Capitolist.
“I heard the Mailbag’s theme this week was money in politics. So I’ll kick it off by thanking all Republicans who play Candy Crush for inadvertently donating $250,000 to my 2018 gubernatorial campaign.” –Miami Beach Mayor Philip “Graham Cracker” Levine
“Why are you calling Levine the ‘Graham Cracker?’ Is that some kind of lame reference to the fact that Levine totally crushed my Gwen in fundraising last month?” –Bob Graham
“Daddy, should I stop playing Candy Crush while you direct my campaign for me?” –Bob Graham’s Daughter
“Wait, what’s all this about Candy Crush? Is that some kind of accusation that RPOF fundraising is down because I’m wasting time playing games on my phone instead of raising money?” –Blaise “Big Stacks” Ingoglia
“Please tell ‘Big Stacks’ I said keep playing Candy Crush. Or Call of Duty. I own both and it’ll make it even easier to stroke another quarter mil to my boy Phil.” –Bobby “Blizzard” Kotick
“Wow…$4,029,579.25 for Phil Levine ain’t too shabby. Maybe I won’t have to risk my money after all to save the party from Bob Graham’s daughter.” –John Morgan of Morgan and Morgan
“Can you believe those dopes at the Tampa Bay Times named me winner of the week for raising a lousy $2 million in the entire first quarter of 2018, while Levine easily outraised me in only a third of that time?” — Bill “Narcolepsy” Nelson
“Seriously, Alex Leary, are you even paying attention? Narcolepsy Nelson is literally asleep at the wheel and you name him Winner of the Week? @#$@!!” –Christian Ulvert, a.k.a. Governor Levine’s future chief of staff
“At least Alex Leary got Loser of the Week right.” –Christian Ziegler
“Please don’t blame Blaise for the poor RPOF fundraising showing. How was he supposed to raise money when I already sucked every House Republican donor dry for my governor’s campaign?” –Richard Corcoran
“Please tell Richard Corcoran he better keep dialing for dollars if he wants me to keep smashing my rhetorical fist into Adam Putnam’s teeth. Sluggers like me don’t come cheap.” –Tony Fabrizio
“Speaking of rhetorical fists, I have an opening on my campaign for a grenade chucking, knife-fighting, roll-around-in-the-mud sort of person who can take on Richard Corcoran’s proxy. Rick Wilson is a NeverTrumper, so it’s too risky to hire him, and few others in this town are salty enough to get the job done. But I’m open to suggestions.” –Adam Putnam
“Sorry, even though I fit the description, I’m too close with Tony, I’ve got bigger fish to fry, and I’ve got my hands full with Congress at the moment.” –Roger Stone
“Sorry, even though I fit the description, I’m far too busy making money in other races to be bothered with a mere gubernatorial campaign. And besides, I’m far too close with Tony.” –Brian Hughes
“Sorry, even though I fit the description, I’m perfectly content in central Florida and I’ve already been there, done that. And who doesn’t get along with Tony?” –Erin Isaac
“Sorry, even though I fit the description, I’m far too busy preparing to copy Tony Fabrizio’s act and use it against Narcolepsy Nelson.” –Melissa (Sellers) Stone
“Just out of curiosity, what’s the Putnam grenade-chucking job pay? I want to make sure Ron DeSantis offers a competitive salary when we hire someone with those same skills, which are clearly in high demand.” –Brad Herold
“Speaking of slinging rhetorical barbs, can you believe how I turned a legitimate traffic stop into a racial issue simply because I’m a liberal hack?” –Aramis Ayala
“Aramis Ayala was guilty of driving while liberal. But at least she didn’t get accused of running a red light like me, even though I have an air tight alibi.” –Jailed Alleged Cop Killer
“Sorry to change the subject, but how much does that Putnam gig pay? I might have a few rhetorical reminders about Richard Corcoran’s…ah…’conservative’ record.” –Gary Fineout
“Speaking of money, isn’t it fascinating how I exposed the Tampa Bay Times’s hypocrisy for the way they claim their new financial backers won’t influence their reporting, yet they totally caved to their financial backers’ demands to not reveal their identities? The irony is just dripping off my latest post and it tastes delicious.” –Peter Schorsch
*Real Emails from Real Readers are highlighted in bright yellow so that even Tampa Bay Times editors can tell the difference between quality new media content and fake news published at “trusted” legacy outlets.