For the first time in more than a year, I missed an edition of the Monday Mailbag last week. I realized the enormity of my mistake when I was walking down College Avenue and a person in a large pickup truck who shall remain nameless (I know who you are) shouted, “Where’s my Monday Mailbag?!?!”

It startled me that the heckling was not an attack, but a sign of endearment, and it made me realize that exposing Florida’s dirty laundry is a great responsibility that I should take more seriously. So, to make it up to loyal readers and contributors, this week we’re introducing a new feature: “Real* Tweets from Real Tweeple,” which will fit nicely alongside the Real* Emails from Real* Readers.

Let’s dive in…

“That shindig I put on at Amelia Island sure was a downer, what with the FBI investigation still looming over everyone’s head…everyone’s head that is, but mine.” –J.T. Burnette, Tallahassee Chamber of Commerce

“Savvy observers will know that’s not a Real* Tweet from Mayor Gillum because my @Twitter handle would be hyperlinked in bright blue. Even so, if you were trying to get me all riled up for when I come on your new TV show next week, well, congrats. It worked.” –Kevin Cate

“What’s all this about The Capitolist TV Show? It’s easy enough to ignore your crappy website, but now we have to ignore television, too?” –Gary Fineout

“Speaking of epic failures, it looks like Adam Smith farted on his keyboard and called it his Winner and Loser of the Week column again.” –Loser of the Week Kionne McGhee

“Please let Adam Smith know that my father will be calling him about his extremely unfortunate choice for Winner of the Week, and that he shouldn’t be surprised when Alex Leary takes over the job…permanently.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter

“If I was in charge of picking the winner and loser of the week, I’d give the loser trophy to Neil Combee for his idiotic statement after the incident in Charlottesville.” —Peter Schorsch

“I offer no apologies. It is the unwritten rule of old-school politics that elected officials MUST issue statements in the wake of national events. After all, my constituents almost certainly rush to their Facebook accounts anytime there is big national news, so that they can see what their state representative has to say on such matters.” –Neil Combee

“In fairness, those virtue-signaling emails and reaction statements are usually compiled into news roundups and posted so readers can conveniently view all of them in one place and…ah…oh, fine. Who am I kidding? The only people reading this crap are the elected officials and their staff, comparing what they said with the blather and platitudes sent by everyone else.” –George Bennett

“Friendly reminder from The Capitolist to all elected officials: only two weeks left to draft a cheesy email for Labor Day (don’t forget to download a trite stock image for it). Voters across the state will be waiting all weekend for your lovingly crafted gem to arrive in their inboxes. Those that don’t have a filter to instantly delete it might actually read a line or two before hunting for the ‘unsubscribe’ link.” –Brian Burgess

“I hate to change the subject, but I already sent ‘thoughts and prayers’ to the loved ones, yada, yada. Anyway I’m sorta worried that someone might complain about how I’m wasting money handing out cell phone chargers emblazoned with my campaign logo. So, just to be clear, those gadgets were really crappy and didn’t cost much.” –Adam Putnam

“Please tell Adam Putnam that if he wants a really good deal on cheap campaign gizmos, he should consider a company I’ve had a lot of success with called Direct Marketing Southeast, or any number of related companies that are, shall we say, closely affiliated with my personal bank account.” –Jack Latvala

“Aha. Now I know why Latvala is running for governor.'” –Richard Corcoran

“Since you brought up the subject of Richard Corcoran and campaign donations, please let him know that if he wants to buy his own cell phone chargers with campaign logos, RPOF stands ready to funnel even more cash to him.” –Blaise Ingoglia

“Technically speaking, Watchdog PAC got $50,000 from a different PAC. Trying to say $35,000 of that total originated from RPOF before is like saying RPOF paid for Marco Rubio’s kitchen floor.” –Jim Greer

*All real emails and real tweets are highlighted in bright yellow so that politicians who take themselves too seriously can understand the difference between cold hard truth and biting satire. The Capitolist acknowledges that In some cases, it may be impossible to tell the difference.