With Christmas just two days away, we bring you a sneak peak at what some of Florida’s prominent political figures asked Santa to bring them…
Governor Ron DeSantis – Dear Santa, please bring me more coupons for a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich.
Charlie Crist – Dear Santa, please just give me one more chance to lose another election. I want to set an unbeatable record of losing.
Outgoing Agriculture Commissioner Nikki Fried – Santa, please bring me a document shredder so I can spend my final days in office destroying the evidence of my grand plans for the marijuana industry
Agriculture Commissioner-elect Wilton Simpson – Dear Santa, please bring me new legislation to revert the law so I can legally put my photo on gas pump certification stickers like Nikki Fried once did.
House Speaker Paul Renner & Senate President Kathleen Passidomo – Dear Santa, we love the governor, but in 2023 we’d love it even more if we could define our own legislative agenda without being called a rubber stamp for Ron DeSantis. We have some really good ideas of our own.
Lt. Governor Jeanette Núñez– Dear Santa, I’m not asking for much. Please just let everything keep playing out perfectly while I lay low and avoid attention for the next two years.
U.S. Senator Rick Scott – Dear Santa, what do you get the man who has everything? I just want the Senate Majority Leader’s office in 2024.
U.S. Senator Marco Rubio – Dear Santa, I just want to be relevant on the national stage again somehow.
NASA Administrator Bill Nelson – Please don’t let Elon Musk’s Twitter distractions ruin my 2025 return to the moon legacy.
Chief Financial Officer Jimmy Patronis – Dear Santa, please bring me solutions for property insurance and the state pension system in 2023. Thanks.
Florida Attorney General Ashley Moody – Dear Santa, I know you deliver a lot of puppies for Christmas. If you need more, I know where to find them.
U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz – Dear Santa, please let January 3rd get here on Christmas Day. There are so many investigations I want to conduct, and so little time.
Democrat Strategist Steve Schale – Dear Santa, please bring me some candidates with the courage and competence to run for office as a Democrat in Florida.
Democrat Strategist Kevin Cate – Dear Santa, please bring me any candidate with the courage to hire me as their consultant even after my last candidate took a 25-point drubbing from Charlie Crist, who in turn took a 20 point drubbing from Ron DeSantis.
Democrat Strategist Christian Ulvert – Dear Santa, please bring me any viable Democrat candidates that are left in Miami Dade.
Palm Beach Post Executive Editor Rick Christie – Dear Santa, please bring us more progressive grant money so we use it to win journalism prizes from the progressive organizations that hired us.
Miami Herald Union organizer Mary Ellen Klas – Dear Santa, please bring me the statewide relevance I once enjoyed just a decade ago.
State Rep. Anna Eskamani – Dear Santa, please bring me more Orlando Sentinel reporters who are complete political hacks like ex-journalist Jason Garcia.
Ex-journalist Jason Garcia – Dear Santa, please bring me some rent money. Also, why won’t you disclose to the public that your sleigh was paid for by corporate special interests?