Real* emails from real* readers:
“While I appreciate the frame-by-frame analysis proving that guy spit in my face, did you really have to make it your lead story all weekend long?” –Keith “Spit Magnet” Perry
“At least Keith Perry wasn’t subjected to a frame-by-frame analysis showing him being dragged by his armpits into a waiting ‘vanbulance.’” –Hillary Clinton
“At least Keith Perry got to slap the person who spit in his face. Hillary called us all ‘deplorables’ but I can’t spit in her face without my former colleagues arresting me.” –Dan Bongino
“Please tell Dan Bongino that if he gets within 100 yards of Hillary, we’ll still arrest him. He doesn’t even need to give us a reason.” –Dan Bongino’s former colleagues at the U.S. Secret Service
“On this date in 1778, the Continental Congress passed the first budget of the United States.” —Hudson the Historian
“Speaking of budgets, please don’t make me account for the millions of dollars in tax credits I gave to Carlisle Development Group as part of their massive fraud scheme.” –FHFC Director Steve Auger
“Speaking of budgets, I better get my way when it comes to picking a new Enterprise Florida president, or that organization won’t get a dime this year.” –Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran
“Speaking of picking a president for Enterprise Florida, I can’t believe there are five people in Florida who actually want that job.” –Joe Negron
“Speaking of picking a president for Enterprise Florida, can I count that job as one of the 1,191,900 jobs Florida has created since December 2010? –Rick Scott
“No.” –PolitiFact Florida
“Do you think anyone would believe it if I said my defense of Bill Nelson after Rick Scott attacked him had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the governor backing Carlos Beruff in the Senate primary?”–Marco Rubio
“Now that Marco settled his score with Rick Scott, does that make me next in line after Scott stabbed me in the back?” –UWF Board of Trustees second place candidate Don Gaetz
“Take a number.” –Florida Hospital Association
“Please let my father know that soon, I’ll be a powerful congressman and we’ll get our revenge. He and I will be like Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine, ruling the Panhandle together, as father and son.” –Son of Don Gaetz
“Please tell Don Gaetz’s son that Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine weren’t actually related. I think he meant Darth Vader and his son, Luke Skywalker.” –Star Wars Nerd Peter Schorsch
“Speaking of Star Wars, has anyone ever noticed that our colleague Adam Smith has the same hairstyle as Luke Skywalker?” —Matt Dixon
“I think we have a theme going here. Rick Flagg’s hairstyle sorta looks like Chewbacca.” —Mary Ellen Klas
“Imagine if Mary Ellen wore buns in her hair.” —Brandon Larrabee
“Hmmm. That gives me an idea. And don’t worry. It’s totally safe for work. Go ahead, click it.” —John Kennedy
“Unfortunately, he’s telling the truth. The link is safe to click on, it’s totally not a pic of Slave Leia.” –Mac Stipanovich
“I don’t know any of these media losers you’re talking about. So let’s go back to that Luke Skywalker look-alike guy, Adam Smith. Can you believe for the second straight week, he actually picked a real winner and loser?” –Donald “Winner of the Week” Trump
“Adam “Skywalker” Smith screwed it up again, if you ask me. He totally should have picked Don Gaetz, Pam Bondi, or Hillary.” –Kim McDougal
“Speaking of Star Wars, is anyone paying attention to Citizens Insurance? That thing is gonna blow up like the Death Star, and soon.” —Rep. Jose Oliva
“Just a friendly reminder, next time you plan to opine about Donald Trump’s Florida ground game, try calling me first.” —Trump Senior Advisor Susie Wiles
“Didn’t I tell you to call Susie first?” –Trump Senior Advisor Karen Giorno
“Sorry about that.” –Editor
*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow. Names have been changed where necessary to protect political gossip-mongers. Persons of consequence who wish to make up a fake email to attack their political enemies should send their fake emails to news@thecapitolist.com by Saturday evening for next Monday’s Mailbag post.