Monday Mailbag: Carthage Must Be Destroyed Edition

by | Jul 10, 2017

In honor of Cato the Elder, I bring you the satirical Carthage Must Be Destroyed Edition of Monday Mailbag.

“In case you missed it, I wrote a pompous and thoroughly assinine attack on Marco Rubio in which I suggested he should consider including liberal Bible verses in his Twitter posts. Furthermore, faith in the Holy Bible must be destroyed.” –Yale Bible “Scholar” Joel S. Baden

“As part of our regular in-kind contribution to the Democratic Party, we took the liberty of paraphrasing Joel S. Baden’s piece because we love it when liberal scholars attack Republicans. Furthermore, Marco Rubio must be destroyed.” –Tampa Bay Times

“I don’t know much about the Bible, but I do know we hauled in a whopping $3.5 million so far this year, and for us Democrats, that’s not too shabby. Furthermore, racism must be destroyed, and I am not a racist.” –Stephen Bittel

I don’t know much about fundraising, but I do know if you don’t pay your campaign staff, they start to abandon you. Furthermore, records pertaining to the Edison deal must be destroyed.” –Andrew Gillum

I don’t know much about record keeping, which is great because state officials think they’re getting a $340 million ‘jackpot’ when they could’ve had SO much more. Furthermore, racinos must be destroyed.” –Seminole Tribe lawyer Barry Richard 

I don’t know much about gambling, but I know a lot about substance abuse. And I think it’s high time we allow smoking of medical marijuana. Furthermore, deep-pocketed insurance companies must be destroyed.” –John Morgan, of Morgan & Morgan

“I don’t know much about John Morgan of Morgan & Morgan, but I sure hope he doesn’t run for office against my dear sweet daughter. Furthermore, all political opposition to her nomination must be destroyed.”  –Bob Graham

I don’t know that I’m even qualified to be governor, but I know how to follow instructions and trade on my daddy’s name. Furthermore, The Capitolist must be destroyed.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter

“I don’t know much about nepotism, but I really like Richard Corcoran’s chances in the governor’s race. Furthermore, Obama’s legacy must be destroyed.” –Son of Don Gaetz

“I don’t know much about destroying Obama’s legacy, because I’ve been away from Washington D.C. for a long time now, unlike Ron DeSantis. Furthermore, Jack Latvala must be destroyed.” –Adam Putnam

“I don’t know much about Jack Latvala.” –Any Average Republican

I don’t know much about average Republicans, except for the reams of focus group and polling data I’m collecting on behalf of a mystery client. Furthermore, conventional wisdom must be destroyed.” –Tony Fabrizio 

“I don’t know much about focus groups and polling data, yet. But I will soon enough, and I’m guessing it’ll be good news. Furthermore, Richard Corcoran and Adam Putnam must be destroyed.” Ron DeSantis

I don’t know much about Ron DeSantis, except what my opposition researchers have already collected on him. Furthermore, I know it’ll cost me part of the rural vote, but the Florida Department of Agriculture is a huge waste of money and must be destroyed.” –Richard Corcoran

“I don’t know much about this week’s Monday Mailbag column, but I think this whole Cato the Elder thing has run it’s course. Furthermore, the Tampa Bay Times must be destroyed.” –Peter Schorsch





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