Real* emails from real readers… or maybe fake news because it’s April Fool’s Day. Who can say for sure?
“Can you believe it’s not even an April Fool’s joke…we actually did manage to publish another Winner and Loser of the Week column?” –Mike Van Sickler
“Hopefully you haven’t used up all your free articles so you can slip behind the paywall without having to choke up a buck for that drivel.” –Peter Schorsch
“Now’s the perfect time to tell everyone that our Amendment Four campaign wasn’t a lie, it was just like an April Fool’s joke when we told the Florida Supreme Court that felons would have to pay all their fines and court costs before getting their rights restored. Now we get to pull the bait and switch and call Republicans racists for trying to enforce the law we wanted.” –Amendment Four Liars
“Wait, that video of Amendment 4 backers telling the Florida Supreme Court that the amendment would require felons to repay their fines and court costs is probably an April Fool’s joke, right? Right?” –Non-felonious citizens with full voting rights
“You mean I paid my fines and court costs for no reason?” –Felons who want to vote and followed all the rules
“If the video below exposing the Amendment 4 liars isn’t some April Fool’s joke (it’s not), why are we even arguing about this?” –Jamie “Rule of Law” Grant
“With all the fake news floating around today, it’s the perfect time to announce that I’m reviving the Office of Drug Control, which governor Scott killed off on his first day on the job because it was nothing more than a photo-op prop shop filled with do-nothing bureaucrats.” –Governor Ron DeSantis
“Yay! Speaking for all fake news journalists in Tallahassee, we loved the Office of Drug control because those bureaucrats provided photos and stats to help us fill newspapers nobody read.” –Lucy Morgan
“Did you know that a month after Rick Scott closed the Office of Drug Control in Tallahassee, we found a bureaucrat hiding out in the offices on the 21st floor, reporting to no one, and working with the lights off so no one would find them?” –Former top Scott Aide Brian Hughes
“It’s true. Turns out we pulled the plug on the Office of Drug Control, and most of the bureaucrats burrowed their way to other do-nothing jobs, but at least one Office of Drug Control employee was funded through a separate line item. So she stayed behind in the shuttered office, working with the lights off, and for more than a month she didn’t report to anyone or inform the governor’s office she was up there with no mission.” –Mary Anne Carter,
“Wait…I thought the Monday Mailbag was supposed to be fake news and satire. This sounds all too real.” –Core Message’s Michael Williams
“But it’s April Fools, so maybe it’s like opposite day?” –Former top Scott aide Doug Darling
“We can’t tell what’s real anymore!” –Confused Tallahassee Insiders
“This video below is real. You can always count on CNN for truth.” –Real Jake Tapper
“The video below is fake. I would never, ever tell you the video above is real.” –Fake Jake Tapper
“As a serious presidential contender, I know when to tell the truth and when to play funny April Fool’s jokes.” –Bernie Sanders
“As a serious presidential candidate, I may be creepy, but I’ve never lied about it.” –Creepy Uncle Joe Biden
*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even bureaucrats still hiding in government offices can tell the difference between fake news on April Fool’s Day and the real news that you’ll soon be fully authorized to resume surfing internet memes on government computers under the auspices of “fighting Florida’s drug crisis.”