Monday Mailbag: Presidential Prognostications Edition

by | Nov 6, 2016

This is the week we finally find out which presidential candidate is going  be sitting in the Oval Office when America takes it final lap around the toilet bowl before heading straight to the sewers. Democrats are confident that it’ll be Hillary at the helm when the U.S.S. USA runs into an iceberg and sinks. Many Republicans think the polls are wrong, and that it’ll be Donald Trump who takes the wheel and promptly veers us into an oncoming 18-wheeler driven by Chinese President Xi Jinping.

Even though some Tallahassee insiders are afraid to go on the record, Wikileaks doesn’t care…nobody is safe from exposure in this week’s Monday Mailbag.


“Please don’t share this with my Democrat friends, but I’m secretly scared out of my mind that all those white Democrats in the Florida Panhandle are going to vote for Trump.” –Democrat Sage Steve Schale

“Please don’t share this with my Republican friends, but I’m secretly scared out of my mind that all those white Republicans in Duval County are going to vote for Hillary.” –Trump Florida Chairwoman Susie Wiles

“Please don’t share this with anyone, but I’m secretly scared out of my mind that all those projections I’ve made are way off because Nate Silver has Trump carrying Florida.” –FloridaTurnout.com promoter Kevin Cate

“Please don’t share this with anyone, but the Democrats have nothing to worry about because Hillary’s turnout machine is going to easily outclass ours.” –Florida GOP Chairman Blaise Ingoglia

“When are you going to write about how Republicans have gained early voting share versus this same point last year?” —Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway

“When are you going to write about how Republicans had to cannibalize their election day turnout in order to keep pace with the Democrat’s early voting numbers?” –FL Democrat Spox Max Steele

“When are you going to write about Florida isn’t even going to matter because Chump is going to lose in North Carolina and maybe even Ohio?” —Mac Stipanovich

“When are you going to stop writing about the presidential election and start covering things that really matter, like how we pulled our endorsement from Amendement 1?” –Florida Professional Firefighters Union President Jim Tolley

“Please just stop writing about Amendment 1 altogether. Trust us, it’s just better if you don’t.” –-Amendment 1 Backers Chris Flack and Mike Sole

“Second the motion.” –JMI’s Sal Nuzzo

“Public Service Announcement: the lawyers at POLITICO require me to warn potential readers of the danger of whiplash if you read my latest Florida polling story about the presidential race in which I am so scared to make a prediction that I literally included every possible argument for why Clinton or Trump might be winning Florida, no matter how insignificant, absurd, or irrelevant, just so no one can accuse me of being a hack.” –Gutless POLITICO election analyst Marc Caputo

“Can you believe the FBI decided not to prosecute Clinton again? The system is broken!” –Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi  

“We couldn’t agree more.” –Trump University plaintiffs

“Speaking of how the system is broken, can you believe how much money we flushed down the toilet on corporate welfare for Sanford Burnham?” –-Anti-Corporate Welfare Warrior Richard Corcoran

“If you think you got screwed before, wait until you read the letter I just sent to the State of Florida.” —Sanford Burnham’s lawyer

“This might be my last email to you before I become a lame duck. Maybe I shouldn’t have used those county generators at my house during the hurricane.” -Lame Duck Leon County Sheriff Mike Wood

“This might be my last email to you before I become a lame duck. Maybe I shouldn’t have ran that disgusting attack ad about Rocky Hanna.” –Lame Duck Leon County School Superintendent Jackie Pons

“This might be my last email to you before I become a lame duck. Maybe I should have taken her seriously.” –CD-7 underdog John Mica

“This might be my last email to you before I become a lame duck. Maybe I shouldn’t have introduced the STOP Act.” –CD-13 underdog David Jolly

“This might be my last email to you before I become a lame duck. I probably should have stayed in House.” –Senate underdog Patrick Murphy

“This might be my last email to you before I become a lame duck. So, here’s hoping we don’t see a Hillary wave election.” –Florida’s Favorite Son Marco Rubio

“This might be my last email to you before I am carted off to jail.” –Indicted Congresswoman Corrine Brown

“This might be my last email to you before I officially kick off my campaign for governor.” –Presumptive Governor Adam Putnam

“This might be my last email to you before I am finally out of my father’s shadow.” –Don Gaetz’ son

“If anyone wants to wager on the Electoral College outcome, just drop me a line in this Facebook thread.” –Florida media kingpin Peter Schorsch

 

 

 

 

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