Monday Mailbag: Warning – NSFW Edition

by | Mar 16, 2020

 

Real* emails from real survivors** of the 2020 Coronavirus Zombie Apocalypse…

WARNING: This week’s mailbag contains visual satire that some may not consider safe for work (NSFW). However, if your work is Florida politics, you should be just fine because thanks to Andrew Gillum, meth-fueled orgies with naked male escorts in South Beach are just another day at the office.


“With all the hoopla about coronavirus, few people probably noticed that I checked myself into rehab because of my addiction to alcohol.” –Andrew Gillum

“In case anyone is wondering, methamphetamines aren’t opioids, so there’s no ‘meth crisis’ in Florida. Andrew Gillum’s naked, meth-fueled romp with a male escort in South Beach isn’t the sort of problem I care about.” –Casey DeSantis

“Speaking of naked romps with Andrew Gillum, I miss those tender moments he and I used to have together in the old days.  You know, before the FBI ruined it all.” –Adam Corey

“So far, there’s no evidence to prove Andrew Gillum was naked. I mean, technically, Speedos aren’t naked. As for me, I wasn’t wearing a stitch..” –Travis Dyson

 

“With Andrew Gillum out of the running, I’ll have a clean shot at the Democrat nomination for governor in 2022.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter

“Only if I’m Vice-President by then.” –Nikki Fried

“Nikki Fried is perfectly qualified to be my number two. For one thing, she’s a woman. Third, you can tell she was reasonably attractive about ten years ago. And number two, she’s, uh, you know…speaking of that, she’d make a great number two. Better than any number two I’ve ever made. Or seen. You know? You know what I’m talking about.” –Joe Biden

“With all this talk about meth-fueled orgies in South Beach, is anyone sending the mailbag anything about coronavirus?” –Scott Rivkees

“Speaking of coronavirus, imagine if Andrew Gillum were governor right now.” –Ron DeSantis

“If I were governor right now, I’d have declared martial law to create an additional flashpoint the national media could use against Donald Trump.” –Andrew Gillum

“Let’s be honest. If Andrew Gillum were governor, he’d be wasted out of his mind right now, and I’d be calling the shots.” –Chris King

“Let’s be honest. If Andrew Gillum were governor, the DEA would have raided the governor’s mansion a long time ago for meth. That is, if the FBI didn’t already arrest Gillum for soliciting male prostitutes.” –Donald Trump

“So if Andrew Gillum is stepping back from his voter registration organization, who’s going to cut my checks for the time being?  Especially for the crisis comms work I had to do over the weekend?” –Kevin Cate

“Speaking of voter registration efforts, Is anyone even going to ask me if Andrew Gillum’s meth-head boyfriend is registered to vote?” –Florida Secretary of State Laurel Lee

“Actually, he registered as a Democrat in 2018, but he didn’t vote for Andrew Gillum.” –Miami Dade Elections Supervisor Christina White


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even Andrew Gillum enablers can tell the difference between a carefully-crafted statement meant to deceive, and an authentic apology straight from the heart.

**Coronavirus Survivors as of 3/16/2020.

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