Real* emails from Bill Nelson…

“Rick Scott can bash me all he wants, but over my time in public office, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has gained 3,170 percent.” –Bill Nelson

“And if you think that’s impressive, the NASDAQ has gone up 6,900 percent. Can Rick Scott say that?” —Career Politician Bill Nelson

“Look, I get it. Forty six years in public office is a long time. But a lot of good things have happened on my watch. Like, we finally got the last U.S. troops out of S-S-S-S-Saigon.” –“I wasn’t really sure what was goin’ on” Bill Nelson

“And another thing…I wasn’t even in Congress back then. I was in the Florida legislature around the time the secret taping system was installed in the Nixon White House.” –Bill “Watergate-Era” Nelson

“I lot of people think I’m a real astronaut because I once took a congressional junket on the Space Shuttle.” —Fake Astronaut Bill Nelson

“Speaking of NASA, did you know I was first elected to office to represent the Space Coast a month before Apollo 17 landed on the moon?” –Bill “Skylab-Era” Nelson

“Even though I was on Capitol Hill when Jimmy Carter gave his ‘Crisis of Confidence’ speech, you really can’t blame me for tanking the U.S. economy in the mid-1970s’.” –Bill “Malaise” Nelson

“I’m one of the nation’s most experienced political leaders when it comes to experience with Islamic terrorists.” –Bill “Tough on Terror” Nelson

“Okay, look. To prove that I’m still ‘with it,’ I’ll make fun of myself by referencing popular culture. I hear that Beavis and Butthead is popular with the kids these days. Heh-Heh…and my staff once told me I sorta look like Beavis himself. Or was it Butthead?  I can’t remember. You tell me.” –Bill “Beavis” Nelson

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even Bill Nelson will recognize the difference between satire and a series of completely true statements dripping with so much irony that they seem like satire.