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Real* emails from real readers of The Capitolist…


Yes, it’s true. We actually did put out a poll yesterday showing Gillum leading by…*cough*… twelve points…*cough*. I also hosted the big debate last night. Did you catch it?” –CNN’s Jake Tapper

The big battle on Sunday night sure was a doozy. The Kansas City Chiefs really put on a show.” Florida Swing Voters

The Chiefs were only favored to win by six. If we were Vegas oddsmakers, we’d have set the Bengals as favorites by twelve.” –CNN pollsters

The odds are better for my beloved Jags to win the Superbowl than for Andrew Gillum to win Florida by 12 points.” –Democrat realist Steve Schale

The odds are better for the Florida State Seminoles to beat my beloved #9 Florida Gators than for Andrew Gillum to win by 12 points.” –Sarah Rumpf

The odds are better for us to indict Andrew Gillum than for him to win Florida by 12 points.” –FBI Tallahassee Field Office

The odds are better that I’m a socialist than for me to win Florida by 12 points.” –Andrew Gillum

The odds are better that I’m gonna let a Guatemalan caravan into the United States before Andrew Gillum wins Florida by 12 points.” –Donald Trump

The odds are better that I’ll denounce the #NeverTrump movement than for Andrew Gillum to win Florida by 12 points.” –THE Rick Wilson

“The odds are better that I’ll go on another Disney Cruise before Andrew Gillum wins Florida by 12 points.” –Peter Schorsch

I could stay in the U.S. Senate for another 50 years and I still won’t see a socialist like Andrew Gillum win Florida by 12 points.” –Bill Nelson

The odds are better that we’ll get hit with another hurricane before election day than for Andrew Gillum to win Florida by 12 points.” –Rick Scott

“The odds are better that this poll is far more accurate than that idiotic CNN poll.” –Adam Smith

Whoa…I’m up six?  Sweet!” Ashley Moody

If Ashley Moody wins by six, I’m suing somebody.” –Litigious Democrat A.G. Candidate Sean Shaw

I hate to change the subject, but it’s disappointing that there wasn’t any cheating during the CNN debate. It’s almost like those guys weren’t even trying.” –CNN’s Debate Cheating Expert Brian May

“On behalf of the DeSantis campaign, I’d like to apologize to all CNN viewers for our failure to use a lint brush on Ron’s suit prior to the debate.” Susie Wiles

To be fair, the lint only shows up in the bright light of CNN’s cameras, it doesn’t appear in the still photos taken of the event. Which begs the question: how did The Capitolist capture this image?”  –DeSantis Makeover Consultant Sarah Bascom

Who tied DeSantis’s tie? From the top wrinkle to the overall shape and flatness, I’ve never seen an uglier knot during a nationally televised debate.” –Chris Christie

The quick and easy single-Windsor tie knot is why we Republicans win debates on substance but lose on style.” –Jeb!

Ron DeSantis’s line about the slow wait for medical care being like the “fast” pass at DisneyWorld was clever, but it was a very low blow.” –Disney’s Government Affairs Team

Just a reminder that Andrew Gillum’s $15 per hour mandatory minimum wage is a great idea. I fully endorse Andrew Gillum for Governor.” –Flippy the Burger Bot

Just a reminder that Andrew Gillum still hasn’t bothered to repay me for that secret trip to Costa Rica with the FBI. I’m sure there are people who think I don’t need the money since I got $2 million in taxpayer funding thanks to Gillum, but defense lawyers are expensive and his $15 per hour minimum wage is still a long way off.” –Adam Corey

“About those Hamilton tickets we bought for Andrew Gillum…don’t worry, our bill will come due soon.” –Undercover FBI Agent “Mike Miller”


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even people who believe CNN polls can tell the difference between a $15 mandatory minimum wage and the reality that will soon be Flippy the Burgerbot.

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