Florida avoided the worst-case scenario with Hurrican Matthew, but there are still more than a quarter of a million people who don’t have electricity and thus can’t read this week’s edition of the Mailbag unless they have a charged cell phone. But maybe that’s a good thing, as we air more dirty laundry and dirty talk from all the political players in Florida, including uber-pottymouth Ana Navarro.
Yes, these are 100% certified real* emails from 100% real* subscribers, but names and important factoids have been changed to incriminate those who deserve it and to protect those who feed us the juiciest gossip.
“Please stop kicking me in the balls over the county generator scandal, nobody cares about it anyway.” –Leon County VIP Sheriff Mike “Rank-Has-Its-Privileges” Wood
“I care about Mike Wood’s generator scandal enough to run TV ads about it.” –Real Democrat Sheriff Candidate Walt McNeil
“Have I mentioned how much I love Walt McNeil’s new TV ads?” –Real Republican Sheriff Candidate Charlie Strickland
“Before you even ask, all Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office generators are present and accounted for in the wake of Hurricane Matthew.” –Duval County Sheriff Mike Williams
“All county-owned generators put to good use here.” –St. Johns County Sheriff
“Ok, we get the point. Mike Wood is a douche who thinks he deserves special privileges.” —Leon County Voters Who Read the Capitolist
“When are you going to write about how Jackie Pons’ campaign is down 40 points in my latest poll, which is why I now have a Rocky Hanna for Leon County Schools banner on my building?” —Ron Sachs
“When are you going to write about how Erin “Patrick” Murphy is down 8 points in our latest poll, which is why we’re thinking about putting up an Alan Grayson banner on our building?” –Florida Democratic Party
“When are you going to write about the real reason Liz Dudek got bounced out of ACHA?” –Tallahassee Gossip Mongers
“When are you going to write about the real reason the Florida Chamber pulled their endorsement from me?” –Business-friendly Democrat David Singer
“When are you going to write about something other than my Machiavellian machinations to influence the 2022 speakers race while prohibiting everyone else from doing it?” —Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran
“Can you believe Florida Democrats actually filed a lawsuit against Rick Scott for trying to supress votes due to Hurricane Matthew?” –RPOF Chairman Blaise Ingoglia
“How did the Democrats find out Rick Scott owns 2/3rds interest in a weather machine company?” –Rick Scott’s Blind Trust Managers
“Wait. You mean the Democrats are actually suing Rick Scott over Hurricane Matthew?” –Donald Trump University General Counsel Pam Bondi
“Wait. You mean a sitting governor actually has the power to extent voter registration deadlines?” –Charlie Crist
“Oooh. Ooooh. Can we answer this? We actually got this one right a while back.” –Politifact Florida
“Not to change the subject, but when are you going to point out that Ana Navarro is a hispanic female version of Donald Trump?” –CNN Viewers
“You mean how, like Trump, she makes for good ratings on TV news because she’s a pottymouthed, part-time Republican who gives real Republicans a bad name?” –CNN Producers
“Ana Navarro is nothing but a high-priced boletero. I refused to pay her shakedown fee. She’s a very nasty woman. Very nasty.“ –Donald Trump
*All real emails from actual, real subscribers are highlighted in bright yellow to differentiate those emails from totally made-up political satire. But unless you’re a desperate journalist looking for another fake Trump quote, or humorless state bureaucrat reading this week’s Mailbag on a government computer, you probably already recognized the satire without me having to say anything.