With less than 48 hours before the 2016 primary election cycle goes into the history books, we’re washing our mouths out with soap, airing our dirty laundry, clearing the decks and hitting the reset button so we can go into the general election cycle with a clean slate and a clear conscience. Here’s a peek inside the The Capitolist’s email inbox over the past week.
“First, you Photoshop me as Tattoo from Fantasy Island, now last week you photoshop me as the Swami. It’s almost as if you don’t believe I should spend $1.2 billion of Florida’s money to convert sugar cane fields into Zika mosquito breeding zones.” –Soon-to-be Senate President Joe Negron
“What is Negron bitching about now? At least he didn’t have his head photoshopped inside a crystal ball. Made me look like Nixon on Futurama.” —Soon-to-be House Speaker Richard Corcoran
“Why are you attacking Negron and Corcoran with your @#$@*&@$ photoshops? I bet it’s because you’re a #$%@&* liberal hack journalist who likes to @#?!%@* with @#$@(&?! and @#$@!*. You know what I’m @#@!?& saying?” —Dan “The Hammer” Bongino
“I have no comment on Dan “The Hammer” Bongino’s toilet-mouth tirade, but even as a trained diplomat, even I know this well-known military axiom.” —Ambassador Francis Rooney.
“Is there anyone I should pick a fight with so I can get some attention for my campaign, too?” —Chauncey Goss
“You mean my $1,000 contribution to Chauncey Goss’s campaign wasn’t enough?” —Jack Latvala
“Ha! What a @#$%& cheapskate that Latvala is. The @#@*& federal limit is $@$&% like, what? $2,700, right? Not that any of my secret @#$@#$*& donors ever gave me that much, the @#$@! @#$!!%ers.” —Dan “The Hammer” Bongino.
“While I must say that Marc Caputo’s story about Dan Bongino has brought Journalism to a new low, at least he’s not writing for The Capitolist.” —Pompous, hand-wringing, old-school journalism professors.
“I’d love to email you a retort, but I’m standing by my mailbox waiting for a demand letter from Bongino’s lawyer.” —Marc Caputo
“Caputo is such an idiot. I’m not gonna sue that @#$%head, trust me, I already know he doesn’t have a @#$@!! dime to his name because he’s just a @#$!%! loser journalist. No, I’m gonna @#$!%*& sue POLITICO. They gotta be making a fortune from all the stupid @#!$ idiots paying to get behind the paywall of their @#!$% ‘Pro’ content. What a @#$!&$ joke.” —Dan “The Hammer” Bongino
“I think our non-endorsement in Congressional District 19 speaks for itself. We didn’t endorse Rooney because he’s Catholic. We didn’t endorse Bongino because he’s a potty mouth, and we didn’t endorse Chauncey Goss because we don’t endorse third place finishers.” —John Stemberger
“Please pass this message to the Florida Family Council, because Stemberger banned me from emailing him a few days ago. Hey Stemberger, @#$! you! One of these days you will get a real job. You are a disgusting piece of @#%!, so shut the @$*@^ up and go &^ % yourself, you piece of !#&@. I didn’t even ask for your endorsement, you mother &^!@$$%! Wait until I shred your @$! on the radio. You’re now Chapter 5 of my new book, idiot.” —Dan “The Hammer Bongino
“Please let Dan Bongino know how much I appreciate him. That tirade was a great distraction from my homestead exemption tax fraud scandal.” —Katherine Van Zant
“Please let Dan Bongino know how much I appreciate him. That tirade was a great distraction from my carpetbagging campaign being exposed on Bill Mick’s radio show for the past week.” —Brian Hodgers
“Please let Dan Bongino know how much we appreciate him. That tirade was a great distraction from our $100,000 direct mail campaign to bump off Joe Gruters.” —A Very Powerful Friend of Florida Trial Lawyers
“Speaking of secret donations, please let Dan Bongino know how much I appreciate him. That tirade was a great distraction from the quarter-million bucks I got from a very powerful friend in Senate Leadership.” —Debbie Mayfield
“Are you kidding me? Another quarter million bucks? If I survive past Tuesday, a certain powerful Senator better run and hide, because I’m gonna cuss him so bad even Dan “The Hammer” Bongino would be proud.” —Ritch Workman
“On this date in 1949, the Russians exploded their first atomic bomb.” —Hudson the Historian
“Whoopity @$#%@-do. The !$% commies got nothing on the F-bombs I’m gonna drop on Caputo if he ever calls me again.” –-Dan “The Hammer” Bongino
“Hey Brian, don’t you agree that guys like Marc Caputo give real journalists like us a bad name?” —Peter Schorsch
“Please tell Peter Schorsch he can go, @#%# himself because he’s a stupid $@$!!% licking pig @#$%^!@. And I’m gonna make him chapter one of my new book.” —Marc Caputo