Editors Note: Sometimes The Capitolist uses satire to make a political point, and sometimes just to get under people’s skin. That should be completely obvious to anyone who isn’t a Florida Polytechnic student. 

By Jimbo Fisher

Would someone tell me how this happened? Florida State University won the national title in 2013. We were the freaking Kings of College Football. The next year, we basically had the whole team back, including our QB, and we came pretty close to winning it all again.

Then everything went to crap.

What’s changed? Nothing that I can tell. Just like in 2013, I brought my A-game. I coached the daylights out my players. Squeezed every bit of performance I could out of them. Sometimes, they just don’t produce like you expect.

We’re in a bit of a dry spell now, even though we still have 85 top-notch athletes getting full rides – that’s four-years of tuition, room, board, books, lawyers, everything. For free. Gratis. We’re just giving away $100,000 to some zit-faced kid fresh out of high school because he’s 6’4” and weighs three hundo. And he can block.

But we’re throwing our money away. Literally. Flushing greenbacks right down the toilet, wasting it on athletic welfare for these kids. The cost of scholarships goes up with tuition, but FSU football’s win-loss record is going in the opposite direction. Increasing incentives for football players just isn’t producing a commensurate increase in wins for our program.

This isn’t just an FSU problem, either. The same thing is happening across the country. I mean, look at Alabama. They spent a fortune on athletic welfare for a “dual-threat” freshman quarterback who choked in the national title game.

Well, suck it Saban. Because Florida State isn’t playing the “athletic welfare” game anymore. Why should FSU pony up millions of dollars in free scholarships to a bunch of unproven jocks, some of whom won’t ever score a single touchdown or record a tackle, let alone deliver another national championship?

Universities shouldn’t be in the business of trying to pick winners and losers. You heard me right. No more football scholarships at FSU.

We don’t need ‘em anyway.

We’re F. S. freakin’ U. We’ve got the best coaches, top-notch practice facilities, the girls on campus dress in skimpy outfits because the weather is always nice, the tuition isn’t that expensive. And best of all, we aren’t located in a skanky armpit like Tuscaloosa or Gainesville.

I know what you’re thinking. I’ve lost my mind. There’s no way Alabama or UF is gonna unilaterally disarm like I did. Well, let me tell you something. Who cares? If they don’t give up scholarships, then let them keep wasting all their money on chumps like Jalen Hurt, while we can repurpose our athletic welfare money on other stuff, like a bigger Jumbotron, or a new Renegade that doesn’t try to kill Chief Osceola at the Orange Bowl.

One look at a refurbished Doak, and the blue-chip prospects will line up to become Seminoles, even if they gotta pay their own way.

Jimbo Fisher is the head football coach at Florida State University, and hopefully a huge fan of political satire.