Monday Mailbag: Have Your Lawyer Call My Lawyer Edition

by | Feb 20, 2017

Blah blah blah, satire, blah.


“Please remember to mention that Richard Corcoran was named Loser of the Week this weekend because he’s a two-faced hypocrite pretending to be a champion of the people.” –Adam Smith

“For an added touch of irony, be sure to mention that Corcoran’s secret shindig was held at The Edison, which took incentive money and is owned by Tallahassee lobbyists.” –Rick Scott

For an added touch of irony, be sure to mention that I’m suing Rick Scott because he’s cashing checks his agencies aren’t allowed to write.” –Richard Corcoran

Can you believe Corocan actually thinks he’s going to steer $300 million in BP oil money away from the Triumph Gulf Coast board–Don Gaetz

Did you see the size of that rally in Palm Beach on Saturday?” Donald Trump

Half the people in the crowd were Russians.” –Florida Democrat Blowhard Max Steele

For the record, I’ve never had any contact with the Russians.” –Pam Bondi

Maybe that’s why you haven’t been offered a job in the Trump Administration.” –Florida Democrat Blowhard Max Steele

“Not to change the subject, but who gave you that oppo dump to try and knock me out of contention for CFO?” –Pat Neal

Speaking of CFO, our latest polling data show that a record high 3.7% of Florida voters actually know what CFO stands for.” Unofficial Capitolist Pollster Thomas Grigsby

“That number would be much higher if more people visited my informative and oh-so-helpful personal website.” –Pat Neal

“Before I forget, please be sure to include my name among the Democrat gubernatorial hopefuls in 2018.” –Jeff Greene

The more white guys, the better, because 30% of Democrat voters are black. And that’s all I need to win.” –Andrew Gillum

White guys, black guys, red guys, brown guys, the more guys, the better, because 55% of Democrat voters are female.” –Gwen Graham

“Please don’t call us out later today about how one of our alleged ‘scientists’ doesn’t actually know much about the environment, but is a reknowned expert on house rabbits.” –Everglades Foundation

“Can we use your house rabbit scientist for a report justifying the expenditure of $2 billion in tax dollars to save the Yellow-bellied titmouse?” –Eric Draper, Florida Audubon Society

As soon as your report is ready, send it along with your media kit, so we can print it as if it’s gospel without doing any fact checking.” –Florida Environmental Reporters Kool-Aid Drinkers

Hey, can you remind me in 12 more days that I need to file my ethical disclosure for voting on a bill where I had an obvious conflict of interest?” –State Senator Heather Fitzenhagen

I don’t have to file an ethics disclosure because I have no direct financial interest in the local business I’m funneling an extra half a million to through SB 712.” –State Senator Aaron Bean

I don’t have to file an ethical disclosure form because my wife already lost her congressional bid, so my Lake O water plan can’t possibly be connected to that.” –Senate President Joe Negron

 

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