Real* spoiler-free emails from real readers…

“In case anyone actually cares about the Florida governor’s race, I’m proud to report that I’ve hauled in well over $300,000 so far this month.” –Ron DeSantis

“In case anyone actually cares about whether or not I’ve donated to Ron DeSantis, I havent’.” –Sheldon Adelson

“In case anyone actually wants to see if Ron DeSantis knows anything about Florida, he’ll be at our big candidate forum this Saturday.” –John Stemberger

“I’ll be there too, but I won’t be dial testing the event because Florida Family Policy Council members are too honest to pretend they are undecided just so they can be on one of my fake voter panels.” –Frank Luntz

“Is Ron DeSantis going to be at the event in person, or will he appear via satellite from the Fox News green room in Washington D.C.?” —Adam Putnam

“Speaking of Adam Putnam, I see he pulled in about half a million dollars in fundraising and was only a couple of weeks late to report it.” —Gary Fineout

“Yeah, thanks for the reminder.” –Amanda Bevis

“You’re welcome.” –Brad Harold

“I hate to change the subject, and I don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone, but Flash and Batman both die in the new Avengers: Infinity War.” —Peter Schorsch

“Speaking of Infinity War, just like Thanos, I plan to run for governor as soon as I have the stones for it.” —Future Florida Attorney General Richard Corcoran

“Speaking of unpopular villains, can you believe that an overwhelming supermajority of my deputies have no confidence in my leadership?” –Broward Sheriff Scott Israel

“But unlike that purple-headed guy in the latest Marvel movie, I can take you out with a simple stroke of my pen.” –Rick Scott

“Hey don’t forget about us Democrats. You need to mock us more in the ole’ Mailbag.” –Bob Graham’s daughter

“Please tell Bob Graham’s daughter that if she wants to get attention, she has to actually do something to earn it. Something more than just being Bob Graham’s daughter, I mean.” –Phil Levine

“You mean like having an FBI investigation hanging over your head for the entire duration of one’s campaign?” –Andrew Gillum

“Did anyone notice how I gave my employer a sneaky-subtle compliment with the way I named certain ex-politicians the Loser of the Week?” –Adam Smith

“*SIGH* Yes, I noticed…I tried to cut you a break by talking about Infinity War, but you just had to bring up your awful, awful column.” –Peter Schorsch

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even people who haven’t seen Infinity War can tell the difference between an actual spoiler and shameless self promotion from political candidates.