Monday Mailbag: Another Russian Hacker Alert Edition

by | Apr 22, 2019

Real* emails from real readers…

“The Mueller report contained NEW INFORMATION(!) about the Russians hacking Florida’s election systems!” –Florida’s lazy political media

“See, Florida? I wasn’t crazy when I leaked classified information about Russians ‘hacking’ our election systems.” –Ex-Senator Bill Nelson

“For the record, there’s still no actual evidence that Russian ‘hackers’ actually managed to ‘hack’ anything.” –Senator Rick Scott

“Wait…so all this ‘hacking hype’ is just a bunch of media outlets trying to get clicks on their stories in a similar fashion to the way I call attention to myself on Twitter?” –Matt Gaetz

“Speaking of hackers, I heard the Chinese are hacking Canadian drugs and importing them here.” –No one in the state legislature

“Is the legislature actually doing anything this session?” –Bad lobbyists who have no idea of all the backroom deals going on right now

“Hey, I have an idea! Let’s waste a bunch of money on an awareness campaign so kids will think vaping isn’t cool anymore.” –Florida Department of Health

“We’d rather you spend our tax dollars on air filtration systems for our bathrooms so we don’t get cancer just because we have to pee.” –Chiles High School kids who don’t hide Juul’s in their backpacks

“Maybe we should require teachers to visit the vape student bathrooms every once in a while just to see what’s really going on.” –Florida school board officials

“I hate to distract everyone from the dangers of vaping, but I think you should know that some people did something again. This time in Sri Lanka.” –Some Democrat Congresswoman

No one bats an eye | 207 PEOPLE KILLED IN THE BOMBINGS AND NO ONE BATS AN EYE. TRUMP MAKES A TYPO WHEN EXPRESSING CONDOLENCES AND EVERYONE LOOSES THEIR MIND. | image tagged in no one bats an eye,politics,donald trump,bombing | made w/ Imgflip meme maker

“Enough about the Easter worshippers in Sri Lanka that were attacked by some people. We want to talk about Trump.” –Deranged Democrats everywhere

Guilty until proven innocent | We know Trump is guilty We’re just looking for the crime | image tagged in democrat congressmen,trump russia collusion,democrats,trump | made w/ Imgflip meme maker

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even graduates of journalism school can tell the difference between actual hacked emails and emails that were made up for satirical purposes.


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