Monday Mailbag: Back-to-School Edition

by | Aug 15, 2016

In honor of kids going back to school across the Sunshine State, The Capitolist is thrilled to bring you the Back-to-School edition of Monday Mailbag, featuring real* emails from real* readers, none of which have anything to do with Florida schools or education.

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“Do you think anyone noticed that Gossip Extra story about Irv Slosberg’s ill-gotten riches he made off the backs of poor kids in India?” -Jeff Clemens

“Do you think anyone noticed Ritch Workman’s new ad is so bad I decided to put $100,000 of my own money behind it?” -Debbie Mayfield

“Do you think anyone noticed that Debbie’s money is just laundered cash from her husband’s state grant money?” -Ritch Workman

“Do you think anyone noticed that really crappy puppy ad I did was copied from a much better one I saw a month earlier with LizBeth Benaquisto?” -Adam “Good Enough” Goodman

“Never mind the fact that every single aspect of of my ad was superior, did you see that window smash scene?” -Brian Hughes

Original Benaquisto Version w/ Glass Smash Scene

Knockoff Version featuring Angry Dana and some Puppies:

“Do you think anyone noticed how angry I look in every shot?” -Dana Young

“Because I didn’t notice how angry she looked when we shot the spot, I had to soften it with b-roll of puppies.” -Adam “Good Enough” Goodman

“Ha ha. My ad featured a smashed car window and it still cost less than what Goodman charged Dana Young for that piece of crap.” -LizBeth Benaquisto

“But…puppies!” -Tampa Bay Times

“Exactly! Puppies, plus my markup, is why my ad production costs so much.” -Adam “Good Enough” Goodman

“Do you think anyone noticed that Michael Phelps is the Katie Ledecky of Men’s Swimming?” -3,637 Twitter users

“Do you think anyone noticed that my ‘Tim Kaine in Tallahassee’ blog post was really just a cut-and-paste from Twitter?” -Steve “News-In-Brief” Bousquet

“Do you think anyone will notice if I just slap some bold font on the front-end of Bousquet’s cut-and-paste and cut-and-paste it into Playbook?” -Florida’s Cutting-Edge Cut-And-Paster Marc Caputo

“Do you think anyone noticed that I picked last week’s Winner and Loser based solely on media friendliness and not on any actual, tangible political developments?” -Adam Smith

“Will you please let Adam Smith know there were actual, tangible political developments upon which to pick a political winner?” -Political Winner Debbie Wasserman Schultz

“You mean like being up over Trump in Florida in poll after poll?” -“Political Loser of the Week” Hillary Clinton

“You mean like my own internal polling showing me down eight points?” -Tim Canova

“You mean like how the Herald Tribune is trying to unfairly paint me as a political insider? -Political Insider Joe “I love me some Trump” Gruters

“You’re lucky the Herald Tribune didn’t call you ‘Establishment Party Boss Gruters’ like I asked them to.” -District 73 ultra-outsider Steve Vernon

“You’re both lucky. At least the Herald Tribune thinks you guys have a chance at winning.” -District 73 token Democrat James Golden

“Please tell Mark Harper to print extra copies of his ‘Can DeSantis be beaten?’ story so I can blow my nose with it .” -DeSantis campaign manager Brad Herold

“Please thank Mark Harper and the Daytona Beach News Journal for waiting until only two weeks before the election to print their “How to Defeat Ron DeSantis Campaign Guide.” – Ron DeSantis

“Please ask Mark Harper to clean out his desk. It’s clear he’d rather be a campaign manager anyway.” DBNJ publisher Bill Offill

“Not a good one, though.” -Real campaign managers everywhere

Has anyone figured out what Joe Negron is smoking yet?” -Florida sugar farmers

“Can you idiots in Florida please just pick one south Florida water project before we plunk down another $1.2 billion on your latest crisis?”  -Congress

“Do you think I can ‘out-gun’ Brad Drake if I launch my own AR-15 giveaway contest?” -HD 5 House candidate Bev Kilmer

“When will you all finally stop speculating about my political career?” -Future professional baseball player Tim Tebow

“To all my fellow primary night losers: cheer up, because Week One of the NFL season is going to start only a week after Republican voters reject us.” -Carlos Beruff

“Please tell Carlos that if he wants to run for governor in 2018, he’ll need to oppose stadium subsidies like me.” -Presumptive Governor Adam Putnam

“Good one, Adam.” -Gwen Graham

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow. Names have been changed where necessary to protect political gossip-mongers.  Persons of consequence who wish to make up a fake email to attack their political enemies should send their fake emails to [email protected] by Saturday evening for next Monday’s Mailbag post. 

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