Real* emails from real readers…
“It’s been a few months since my last Disney cruise, that’s why I’m launching a new sponsorable email called Influe||cer Poll. Hopefully someone will pony up the dough.” –Peter Schorsch
“Please tell Peter the logo design for his new Influe||cer Poll is terrible. I easily could have fixed it, since I’m known for producing high quality up, down and sideways arrows. This little enhancement suggestion is free, Peter. The next one goes in your mouth.” –Fred Piccolo
BEFORE PICCOLO VISUAL CONCEPTS:
AFTER PICCOLO VISUAL CONCEPTS:
“Peter’s Influe||cerPoll logo is almost as bad as Governor DeSantis’s official website design, which is over eight years old. But don’t worry. We’re working on something really special.” –DeSantis Comms Staff
“Please tell DeSantis’s comms team that my dark arts PR firm is available to help with that site redesign. Throwing me a contract for that is the least they could do to show some appreciation for me no longer harrassing them in the Tampa Bay Times.” –Dark Arts PR Practitioner Adam Smith
“With Adam Smith out of the way, the destruction of the capital press corps is nearly complete. This job is way easier than I expected.” –DeSantis Comms Director Helen Aguirre Ferré
“We’re not all gone yet. There’s still a slim chance that the Miami Herald would accept me back once my sabbatical to Harvard is over.” –Mary Ellen Klas
“It’s gotten so bad in Florida’s capital that the once-powerful Miami Herald and Tampa Bay Times are now begging students like us to report on state government.” –UF Journalism Majors
“It’s easy to forget that I’m still around. But it’s gonna take me a few weeks to recover from all the partying I’m doing after my beloved Patriots won the Super Bowl again.” –Brendan Farrington
“Hold up…we’re still here, keeping a watchful eye on Tallahassee. Of course no one can read what we write because the good stuff is behind a paywall.” –Politico Florida
“The media still has some impact…they claimed my scalp…then again, I probably could have survived if I’d just done what Democrats do and deny it was actually me.” –Mike Ertel
“Oh, don’t let him pull that nonsense. It was definitely him.” –Mike Ertel’s ex-wife
“Please stop kicking Mike Ertel when he’s down…even though that’s exactly what he was doing to us back in 2005.” –2005 Katrina victims
“I’d like to point out that blackface honoring Michael Jackson’s moonwalk is much less scandolous than Mike Ertel’s blackface mocking hurricane victims.” –Democrat Apologists for Ralph Northram
“Unlike Mike Ertel, nobody can force Ralph Northram to resign, and since he’s a Democrat, he should be able to ride out the storm. Which is good for other Democrats like me who have appeared in blackface in the past.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Yes, the makeup was bad. No, I won’t be resigning because my black friend told me it was okay to do this.” –GOP State Rep. Anthony Sabatini
“Republicans only get in trouble for blackface because they do a really bad job of applying the makeup. Change my mind.” –Frank Artiles
“Democrats only want me to resign because they think there are probably more Republicans out there with blackface photos and the political damage will be greater for them. Change my mind.” –Ralph Northram
“Governor Ron DeSantis’s first budget proposal is fatter than Chris Christie at a Krispy Kreme. Change my mind.” –Jose Oliva
“President Trump’s State of the Union speech tomorrow night is going to be one of the greatest political events in television history. Change my mind.” –RPOF Chairman & State Senator Joe Gruters
*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even out-of-the-loop former capital press corps reporters who got a Google alert about their name appearing in The Capitolist can tell the difference between real news and manufactured controversies centered around bad decisions made a long time ago.