Monday Mailbag: Campaign Triage Edition

by | Feb 24, 2020

Real* emails from real readers…

“Thanks for naming me The Capitolist’s Champ of the Week. But you should have included Erin Grall in the honor, too.” –Kelli Stargel

“Just because you named me Chump of the Week doesn’t mean my congressional campaign is dead.” –State Senator Heather Fitzenhagen

“No, your congressional campaign is dead because you’re out of money.” –Byron Donalds

“Well, that and she voted against the parental notification bill. The only thing worse would be voting against E-Verify.” –Dane Eagle

“Trust me, I know a doomed campaign when I see one. But that doesn’t stop me from squeezing every penny out of it.” –Kevin Cate

“Sounds sorta like what we do…finding a way to profit out of a bad situation. And we don’t let anything go to waste, either.” –Planned Parenthood

“Should I be concerned that the Florida consultants for me and my rivals all live within a mile of one another in Tallahassee?” –Mike Bloomberg

“We don’t call the Southwood neighborhood in Tallahassee the Political Fleecing Capital of America for nothing.” –Tallahassee political consultants

“The difference between me and Mini-Mike is that when I spend $460 million on a campaign, I actually win.” –Rick Scott

“Imagine how much Bloomberg campaign cash is going to be flushed down the toilet by a single tweet.” –Donald Trump

Imagine how much Russian cash will be spent to influence our election once again this year.” –The Rick Wilson

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that powerful state politicians who work for even more powerful law firms like Morgan and Morgan can tell the difference between libelous savagery and slanderous satire.

To be considered for future editions of the Monday Mailbag, persons of consequence may email their suggestions to

1 Comment

  1. Harold Finch

    Heather Fitzhagen, Byron Donalds and Dane Eagle are all pathetic congressional candidates!! Politicians who have so many shortcomings!! I know as I have worked, out attempted to work with each of them in the legislative process. Fitzhagen is an airhead who relies on that jackass Halsey Brashear’s for direction and many other things, Eagle is just looking for the next political opportunity and not really a smart guy and Donalds, well he is just plain ineffective.

%d bloggers like this: