Monday Mailbag: Choking Gator Edition

by | Mar 26, 2017

Blah blah, Insert usual satire disclaimers here, yada yada, et cetera, et cetera.

“Thank goodness I didn’t wager a Key Lime Pie against a bottle of crappy South Carolina barbecue sauce on the Gators game, because a Key Lime pie costs roughly three point seven times as much as barbecue sauce. That wouldn’t have been a bad wager, especially since the Gators choked.” –Rick Scott

“As an FSU alum, I’m always happy when the Gators choke in the NCAA tournament, especially because Gary Rutledge will stop gloating and focus on important legislative matters.” Jon Costello

“Speaking of choking, I nearly spit out my morning coffee when I saw how much money I’ve been spending on political consulting.” –Adam Putnam

“Speaking of hack reporting, can you believe Mary Ellen Klas wrote that my firm ‘failed to disclose how expenses were paid,’ even though every nickel was accounted for?” –Justin Hollis

“Please tell Mary Ellen Klas the term ‘consulting’ means ‘providing professional or legal advice,’ and is very descriptive, especially when paired with other modifiers like ‘management’ or ‘political.'” –Merriam-Webster Dictionary

My story wasn’t a hack-job, because everyday Floridians deserve to know the names of every subcontractor and low-level flunkie helping Putnam’s campaign.” —Mary Ellen Klas

I’d love to take credit for planting that Putnam hack-job in the media, but it’s still way too soon for Tallahassee insiders to know exactly what I’m up to.”  –Tony Fabrizio

“I’d love to take credit for planting that Putnam hack-job in the media, but I’ven been way too busy begging Adam Smith to name me Winner of the Week.” –Adam Goodman

“Should I be concerned that the consultant I hired was was named Winner of the Week, and not me for actually hiring him?” –Phil Levine

“Levine should be happy I didn’t name him Loser of the Week for hiring Goodman.” –Adam Smith

“If Adam Smith were an honest reporter, he would have.” –Peter Schorsch

“Ooh…burn” –Brian Hughes

“Speaking of a good burn, please don’t try washing your Wheaties down with whiskey.” –Daphne Campbell

“Speaking of Whiskey and Wheaties, consumers don’t want the convenience of buying liquor at the grocery store, because we don’t see them clamoring for it.” –Florida Businesses Unite

“Huh? Consumers don’t want more convenience? Well, crap, there goes our entire business model.”-Drizly, the one-hour liquor delivery service

People don’t need more convenience, because they can already buy wine and spirits at one of our stores, or even at a standalone Publix liquor store, right Publix?” –ABC Fine Wine and Spirits

“Please tell ABC Fine Wine and Spirits that we can’t hear them over the sound of all this jackhammering we’re doing to knock the walls down between our liquor and grocery stores.”  –Publix

Speaking of convenient access to beer, wine and spirits, don’t forget to come to Realtor Days on Adams Street this Tuesday at 5:30pm.” –Florida Realtors Association

Pigman comic


“Making fun of Cary Pigman’s drunken escapades is a low-blow, man. A really low-blow.” –Cary Pigman’s Lawyer

“A low blow? Did you even see his breathalyzer results?” –Jose Lambiet

“We’d like to officially nominate “Swigman” as Cary Pigman’s new nickname.” –The Capitolist’s Official Nickname Committee (CONC)

Cary Pigman official



%d bloggers like this: