Monday Mailbag: CLASSIFIED: TOP SECRET Edition

by | Aug 13, 2018

Real* [CLASSIFIED] from [CLASSIFIED] readers…

“If you believe Melissa Howard’s college degree photo is real, see if you can figure out which part of the pic below is real.”–Tommy Gregory

Official campaign image featuring USAF Academy grad Tommy Gregory riding a giant eagle into combat against those who lie about having college degrees they didn’t earn.

“OK, so I lied about having a college degree from Miami of Ohio. The truth is that I actually am an undercover CIA operative investigating Russian meddling in Florida’s elections, but I can’t tell you anything else because, um…that’s classified.” –Melissa Howard, fake college graduate

“Classified?  Hold on now…that’s my line!” –Bill Nelson, fake astronaut

“Can we go back to that fake photo thing? I want to play along.” Ashley Moody, fake conservative

Official campaign image of Ashely Moody riding a Trump tank into combat.

Prior to this moment, the only time Ashley Moody’s name appeared next to Donald Trump’s was in the lawsuit she filed against him.” –Frank White

“Let’s be honest…if anyone should be depicted riding a Trump tank into combat, it’s fake Navy SEAL Ron DeSantis.” –Adam Putnam

“If we’re being honest, I never claimed to be a real Navy SEAL. I was a lawyer in the JAG corps assigned to SEAL Team [CLASSIFIED]. So…I was the guy who charged Navy SEALs with war crimes when they [CLASSIFIED] and shot [CLASSIFIED] in the [CLASSIFIED].” –Ron “SEAL Clubber” DeSantis

“You see? I’m not the only politician in Florida relying on my security clearance to make vague, unverifiable claims to boost my campaign.” —Bill Nelson, fake counter-intelligence agent 

“I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of all this fake stuff. It’s time to get real. I’m putting my money where my mouth is.” –Baxter Troutman

“I really like this fake photo thing. And it might be time to light the fires under my CFO campaign.” –Jimmy Patronis, authentic velociraptor wrangler

Original artwork by Jason Heuser, modified to make Jimmy Patronis appear even more cool than he is already.

*All real emails and authentic images are highlighted in bright yellow so that even people with fake college degrees can tell the difference between a [CLASSIFIED] and Bill Nelson’s [CLASSIFIED]. 


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