Monday Mailbag: Cooking Up Trouble – Pow Pow! Edition

by | May 29, 2017

This week’s Mailbag is coming at you from The Capitolist’s Northern Command Center at an undisclosed location in the Buckeye state, where we’re sampling the Queen City’s culinary delights, including Skyline Chili, LaRosa’s pizza, Frisch’s Big Boy and Graeter’s Ice Cream.

Being so far from Tallahassee, we’re forced to use the latest in suspicious package opening technology to read this week’s collection of hate mail, figure out who’s cooking up trouble and who’s serving a cold dish of revenge. So put on your bib, grab a fork and a knife, and get ready for a heaping helping of Real* Emails from Real* Readers, because we’re dropping more raw intelligence than Donald Trump on a phone call to the Phillipines.**


“I don’t know what you’re cooking, but most people are cooking burgers and hot dogs on the grill. And if people are actually reading the Mailbag on Memorial Day, please tell them they all need to take a vacation.” Mike Willams

The only thing I’m cooking up this weekend is rumors that I’m running for governor.” –Mike Fernandez

Are you really sure you want the job though? You woudn’t have much time for those horses you love. Why don’t you and I just sit down and talk this whole thing through?” –Presumptive GOP Nominee Adam Putnam

“Fernandez will fold like a cheap suit as soon as he sees his poll numbers in north Florida.” –Roger Stone

What’s wrong with folding like a cheap suit?” –Ex-2022 House GOP Leadership Candidate Frank White

As long as you’re in my ‘suitcase,’ and not Jamie Grant’s, there’s nothing wrong with folding.” –Paul Renner

Speaking of Paul Renner, did you see the names on his recent fundraiser invite? It looks like the Jacksonville mafia has decided to double down.” –Cyndi Stevenson

Hey, wait a minute. I thought Cyndi was supporting my bid for speaker.” –Erin Grall

“Please let Erin know that the only people she can trust are those who tell her to her face they aren’t voting for her.” –Jason “Renner’s Whip” Fischer

I’m just glad that Richard Corcoran hasn’t ruled me ineligible for clearly violating the rules against campaigning for leadership.” –Jamie Grant

“Speaking. Of. Richard. Corcoran. Please. Tell. Him. To. Dump. Schorsch. And. Hire. Me. As. His. Hype. Man. For. Just. $15,000, This. Will. Be. Bigly. Successful.” Kevin Cate

Why is everyone taking shots at me when I’m in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea, and unable to respond effectively?”  –Peter “The Trans-Atlantic Tweeter” Schorsch

“Speaking of Peter Schorsch, I’d like to point out that his current geographic location is purely coincidental and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that, in addition to my impressive roster of Florida clients, I now also represent clients along the entirety of the original Mediterranean and trans-Atlantic trade routes.” –Brian Ballard

Speaking of the Atlantic Ocean, now seems like a good time to remind everyone that hurricane season starts this Thursday.” –Andrew Gillum

Oh don’t worry, Tallahassee residents haven’t forgotten.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter

Before my Miami neighbors get too distracted with hurricane preparations, I just want to set the record straight, that I do in fact live in the district I represent. Whichever one that is.” Daisy Baez

Guess it’s time for me to whistle up another taxpayer-funded ride with the Hurricane Hunters so I can get more positive press ahead of my big 2018 senate campaign against Rick Scott.” –Bill Nelson

Get in line, you old fart. I’ve already equipped my private jet with foul weather gear and barometric sensors. I’ll race you to the first tropical storm that forms off the African coast.” –Florida’s Third Senator, Rick Scott

“Just a reminder that the theme of this week’s mailbag is food and cooking, so what better time to remind everyone that I not only won a massive trophy at the Memphis in May International BBQ Festival this past week, but I also debut in the new season of Master Chef this Wednesday. Pow pow!” –Josh Cooper

“I’d email you something about medical marijuana, but you’re probably rolling in that kind of stuff, especially since it’s such a high priority, generating so much buzz. I’m sure you’re fired up about it.” –John Morgan

Can you believe the nerve of that guy?” –Ben Pollara

“Speaking of guys with a lot of nerve, I’m so glad Carlos Beruff is in charge of the Constitutional Review Commission.” No one ever

“Speaking of Carlos Beruff and the CRC, please remind everyone that when I announce my run for congress, my initials are C-L-C and I got nothin’ to do with that clown show.” –Carlos Lopez Cantera


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that liberal readers and Buzzfeed fans (but I repeat myself) can distinguish the difference between actual news and satire.

**Oops. Looks like the boneheads at Buzzfeed screwed up again. Turns out Trump’s so-called raw intelligence leak regarding two nuclear subs involved routine information that the US Navy includes in press releases.

Somebody please let Rick Wilson know the impeachment has been temporarily postponed. If you’re not sure where to find him, he’s almost certainly dropping knowledge on Periscope. 

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