Monday Mailbag: Democrat Egg-on-the-Face Edition

by | Nov 14, 2016

Let’s just get right to it. There’s so much to mock. Here are this week’s real* emails from real* readers:

“So, I guess the election wasn’t rigged after all. Totally fair!” –President of America Donald J. Trump

“The line to kiss my ring forms to the right.” –Susie Wiles

The media has egg all over their face after this election. Some of my friends do, too.” –Roger Stone

“Please delete all those text messages I sent around 8:05pm last Tuesday.”  –Trump Pollster Tony Fabrizio

“Please delete all those tweets I posted about Hillary’s win being in the bag.” –Kevin Cate

“Please delete all those tweets I posted about how comfortable I was after seeing the turnout in Miami Dade and Duuuuval.” Steve Schale

“Please delete my ‘BALL GAME‘ and ‘RIP GOP’ tweets from 8:45pm on Tuesday night.” –Florida’s Loudmouth Liberal Justin Snyder 

Please delete my entire Twitter account, except for this single, taunting tweet (warning NSFW) which I sent at 7:58pm on Tuesday night. Let it and all the gloating replies serve as a warning to trash talkers everywhere.”  –Rick “Egg Face” Wilson

“Please delete the Twitter account of @FlaDems. While you’re at it, just burn their entire building down.” –Peter Schorsch

Please delete me and Sal Nuzzo from JMI’s staff page, because I’m taking a job inside state government. And even though Sal still works there, my former bosses don’t want the utility companies sending them a $30 million bill for blowing Amendment 1.” –Valerie Wickboldt 

Hmmm. Ambassador to the Bahamas has a nice ring to it.” –Political genius Joe “Shortest Serving State Rep in Florida History” Gruters

I was going to ask for an ambassadorship to Monte Carlo, but this RNC chairman thing suddenly looks intriguing.” –Blaise “Big Stacks” Ingoglia

Um…please tell Big Stacks Blaise that Monte Carlo isn’t a country. It’s a city.”  –PolitiFact Florida

How’s this for ‘leadership:’ last Monday night before the election, while everyone else was out working their butts off for Donald Trump, Blaise Ingoglia was enjoying a delicious steak dinner at Ruth’s Criss.” –Exhausted Rank and File Florida Republicans

“Uh…maybe I was one of the very few who were totally confident in a Trump victory. Did you ever think of that?” –-Blaise “Blue-Cheese Encrusted Filet Mignon” Ingoglia

“No, the only person in all of Florida to predict a Trump victory was me. And me alone.” –Adam “The Seer” Goodman

Can you believe Adam Smith named my opponent, John Mica, as one of the biggest losers of the 2016 election cycle, but he didn’t name me a winner?” Congresswoman-elect Stephanie Murphy

Speaking of non-winners named Murphy, maybe my dad will help me take over the Florida Democratic party, since I have nothing else going on in January.” –Erin “Patrick” Murphy

Speaking of political figures with powerful daddies, did you see I finally won a race bigger than anything my own dad ever won? I’m finally my own man!” –Don Gaetz’ son

“So, should we prosecute Hillary, or just let her and her husband fade away?Presumptive United States Attorney General Pam Bondi

Speaking of presumptions, this whole Trump thing has me sorta nervous.” –Presumptive Governor Adam Putnam

“Me too.” –Presumptive Democrat guberatorial nominee Gwen Graham

Wait a minute. Gwen Graham is only the media favorite. She’s not the presumptive nominee.” –Presumptive Democrat guberantorial nominee runner-up Bob Buckhorn

With all this talk about the 2016 election cycle, it’s almost as if nobody noticed my lobbyist crackdown in the Florida House.” —Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran

Oh, we noticed. Believe me, we noticed.” –Trump supporter and Florida super-lobbyist Brian Ballard

Floridian Partners noticed, but we’re much too busy trying to figure out how to lobby the Trump administration through our affiliate Prime Strategies.” —Charlie Dudley

I noticed, but I wrote it off to sibling rivalry.” –Michael Corcoran

“We noticed, but we’re much too busy counting money to care.” –Southern Strategy Group

I noticed, but I’m too busy to care because I’m trying to decide what political party I belong to now.” –Former Republican Sally Bradshaw

We noticed, but I’m much too busy to care because I’m trying to figure out how to salvage our ‘buy the land’ agenda after 41 of our 55 candidates lost on election day.” –Tudor Investment Hedge Fund Disbursement Manager Eric Eikenberg



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