Monday Mailbag: Desperate Politician Edition

by | Aug 22, 2016

As we count down the hours and minutes until the close of primary season 2016, The Capitolist has been hard at work collecting emails from anonymous sources about the state of affairs in Florida’s political scene. And the closer we get to August 30th, the nastier the emails get…

“Please don’t tell my son that I mortaged his share of the family yacht ‘Cocktails’ in order to put $1 million into that SuperPAC supporting him.” –Patrick Murphy’s Dad

“Please don’t tell my Dad about the sunk cost fallacy.” –Patrick Murphy

“You mean the logic flaw where people keep spending money on a bad investment, because they don’t want to automatically forfeit the investment dollars they’ve already committed?” –Carlos “Historical Footnote” Beruff

“No, don’t be silly. That’s not what he’s talking about. Now can we please get back to our discussion about this great concept for a new television ad to save your campaign?” –Beruff’s highly-paid consultant team.

“On this date in 1849, the first air raid in history was launched when Austria launches pilotless balloons against the city of Venice.” –Hudson the Historian

“Speaking of air raids, do you think one of my seven opponents will launch a TV ad this week about the ethics complaint filed against me for flipping the bird to state election finance regulators?” –Matt Gaetz

“We’re not even sure state election finance regulators exist.” –Florida Voters

“Speaking of air raids, do you think anyone will launch a TV ad attacking me for homestead tax exemption fraud?” –Katherine Van Zant

“Speaking of air raids, do you think anyone will launch a TV ad attacking me for living in Brevard County for the past year, when my constituents are all in Indian River County?” –Debbie Mayfield

“I’d be happy if my good friend Speaker Crisafulli would just enforce House rules and make you pay your salary back.” –Ritch Workman

“Can you believe Adam Smith called me ‘Loser of the Week’ even though I was clearly the big winner for getting St. Pete’s City Council to pay for landscaping outside Democratic Party headquarters?” -St. Pete Mayor Rick “Big Stick” Kriseman

“I’m glad he didn’t pick me after all those stories about my lack of ground game in Florida.” –Donald Trump

“I’m glad he didn’t pick me after I promised a 99-year old woman breakfast, then didn’t show up.” –Corrine Brown

“I’m glad he didn’t pick Florida teachers after a court threw out our lawsuit challenging education vouchers.” –Florida Education Association

“I’m glad he didn’t pick me after a judge blocked a new bill seeking to defund Planned Parenthood.” –Governor Rick Scott

“We’re the real losers.” –Unborn babies everywhere.

“This column is so fake. Tissue masses can’t send emails.” –Planned Parenthood

“Can a tissue mass do this?” –Unborn babies everywhere.

“Are you offering a prize when you hit 3,500 downloads of The Capitolist app?” – 3,467 people who already downloaded the app since June 29th.

“No.” –The Capitolist



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