Real* emails from real readers…
“Just a reminder to all my homies out there who like to smoke the pot…my main man Andrew Gillum will legalize weed if you just give him the chance.” –Sean “Puffy” a.k.a. P-Diddy a.k.a. “Brother Love” Combs
Yo, check out this Andrew Gillum robocall from “Brother Love” Sean Combs:
“To be fair,
P Diddy, er… Puffy er…Brother Love listed a few other reasons, besides dope, why I’d be a dope first black governor. Also, nothing coming out of my mouth during this election cycle would be complete without me playing the race card. So, I’m not saying The Capitolist is racist for taking Brother Love out of context but you should at least link to the full endorsement video.” –Andrew Gillum
I decided to change my name again!
— Diddy (@Diddy) November 4, 2017
“This is what we’re up against? Robocalls from Puffy? And we can’t manage to get an R+4 pre-election day advantage like in 2014?” –Blaise Ingoglia
“Don’t worry…the Republican legions will show up on election day. Or we’re all screwed. Especially me.” –POTUS
“Speaking of screwed. I can’t wait to find out whether it’ll be Andrew Gillum or Ron DeSantis that I’m going to screw over next legislative session.” –GOP State House Leader Jose Oliva
“The line forms behind me, buddy.” –GOP State Senate Majority Leader Bill Galvano
“Sad I won’t be there. First year governors are so much fun to humiliate. Almost as much fun as humiliating female senate staffers in elevators.” –Disgraced Senator Jack “The Gripper” Latvala
“Normally, I’d hate to change the subject, but in this case, I have no problem. Plus I want to let everyone know that I made the Maga Bomber list!”–Democrat Lauren Book
“Was I on the list? Everyone knows that making the MAGA bomber mail list will become a litmus test for Democrats next cycle. So please tell me I made the list…” –Annette “I love the NRA” Taddeo
“I can’t believe The Capitolist is actually saying out loud that Democrat primary candidates in the 2020 cycle will be bragging about being on the MAGA bomber list to contrast themselves with opponents who weren’t liberal enough to make the cut. Your publication is disgusting. Even if it is accurate.” –FDP Executive Director Juan Peñalosa
*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that Democrats who don’t vote unless told to do so by Puff Daddy don’t have to waste any effort trying to understand the difference between facts and satire. Also, just a reminder that to avoid long lines on Election Day, Republicans vote on Tuesday, November 6th, and Democrats head to the polls on Wednesday, November 7th.