Monday Mailbag: Fakers and Frauds Edition

by | Jan 8, 2017

The weekly mailbag column is a work of satire. Every now and again, it’s necessary to repeat that line because not everybody is in on the joke…

With that out of the way, here are this weeks Real* Emails from Real* Readers of The Capitolist:


“Please pay no attention to the isolated lake in Port Saint Lucie that suddenly developed an algae bloom. If word got out that it’s not connected in any way to waterways or canals that we can blame on Florida sugar farmers, it won’t be worth my while to do a charity concert to save it.” –Jimmy Buffett

“Please tell Jimmy Buffett not to worry too much about Florida environmentalists losing their credibility because there are lots of other ways for entertainers like us to scam Florida taxpayers.” –Pitbull

“Please stop writing stories that expose Florida environmentalists as hucksters and phonies, because all of us hucksters and phonies need to make a living somehow.” –Milli Vanilli

“Maybe Florida environmentalists just need better help with the technical details.” –Mariah Carey

Speaking of details, did you notice that Brian Ballard isn’t the only lobbyist in Tallahassee making big real estate moves this year?” —Jennifer Green and Ron Pierce

Speaking of details, did you catch the story of how a certain someone helped people retrieve their luggage after the Fort Lauderdale airport shooting?” –Rick Scott’s press office

Speaking of details, my colleague Adam Smith mailed it in again this week by naming Rick Scott the winner AND the loser of the week in Florida politics.” –Alex Leary

Speaking of details, it’s time for Florida conservatives to get fired up over retired Florida Supreme Court Justice James Perry’s continued involvement in ongoing cases.” Conservative Legal Pundit Ed Whelan

“If nobody else is going to tell Ed Whelan to shut up, I guess I’ll do it. –Peter Schorsch

“Please do, because I still don’t even know where the office supplies are.” –Still Wet-Behind-The-Ears Supreme Court Justice Alan Lawson

“Justice Lawson might be wet behind the ears, but sometimes it’s us old hands that screw things up. My bad, by the way.” –Supreme Court of Florida spokesman Craig Waters

“Speaking of people who are wet behind the ears, how could you include someone with no political experience on the Attorney General shortlist like Simone Marstiller, when there are worthy candidates like Tom Grady ready to step up?” –Totally not Tom Grady

Please tell Tom Grady not to get too worked up yet. After all, I haven’t actually resigned yet.” –Pam Bondi

“Oh, but she will. Because she’s not sick of winning yet.” –PEOTUS


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow to differentiate them from fake emails sent by desperate politicians looking to trash their opponents. Also, as a public service to our public servants, here is a friendly reminder that government employees shoudn’t use government computers to read satirical spoofs, even if your boss is the one who is being spoofed. If you are guilty of using a government computer to read Monday Mailbag, you may apply for amnesty by emailing your name, job title, and approximate amount of time you spent surfing the internet to: news at thecapitolist dot com. Your honesty is appreciated.

 

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