Monday Mailbag: Fibbies in the ‘Hassee Edition

by | Jun 26, 2017

Last week’s big AP scoop about an FBI investigation in Tallahassee was a blockbuster. A federal inquiry into how money flows in Florida’s capital city has the potential to reach into some deep, dark crevaces, and could disrupt at least one gubernatorial campaign.

Andrew Gillum isn’t the only one lawyering up. There’s plenty of Real* Mailbag Readers who are prepared to exercise their 5th Amendment rights, but not even the sacred protection of attorney-client privilege can prevent leakers and backstabbers from airing their Real* Emails in this week’s mailbag.

“I’m not the focus of the FBI’s investigation, because thankfully the FBI hasn’t yet uncovered my shady business dealings with Adam Corey at The Edison.”Andrew Gillum

Whoa, there, Andrew. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I mean, I was only your campaign treasurer, it’s not like you and I were actually close enough where such a relationship might pay off if the city were to offer public funds to help us get rich together or anything.” –Adam Corey

The FBI cannot confirm or deny that Mr. Corey or Mr. Gillum are the subject of an FBI criminal investigation. But my friends at the FBI routinely tell criminal suspects (like Andrew Gillum) that they aren’t the target of an investigation, because after the FBI taps their phones, the idiots spill the beans.” FBI informant Bob Graham

I can say with absolute certainty that I am not the target of the FBI investigation initiated at the urging of my father.” –Bob Graham’s daughter

“We can say with absolute certainty that Phil Levine is not the target of an FBI investigation, but he is the target of Fraternal Order of Police wrath…once again at the urging of Bob Graham.” –Miami Beach Police Union

I wonder when Bob Graham will target me?” –Democrat Gubernatorial Candidate Chris King

“Bob Graham’s daughter is the least of your concern, trust me.” –John Morgan, of Morgan and Morgan

 “By the time you read this, I’ll officially be named CFO, just like I’ve been telling Capitolist readers for weeks.” –Jimmy Patronis

Jimmy Patronis was a Rick Scott supporter before being a Rick Scott supporter was, um…well…for lack of a better word, lucrative.” –Jon “Thank You For Smoking” Costello

“I guess this is as good a time and place as any to bid everyone a fond farewell. I really do believe this is the end of my political career, until I decide to make a comeback.” –Jeff “Miss Me Yet?” Atwater

I’d just like to point out one more time that Jeff Atwater was the largest vote-getter of the 2010 campaign cycle in Florida, and he’ll always be a viable statewide candidate, especially under my guidance.” –Brian Hughes

Let’s be honest, the real reason Jeff Atwater resigned is because Brian Hughes has been sucked into the political vortex of Jacksonville, the new epicenter of power in Florida.” –Paul Renner

You’re only saying that because you think this term limits story is going to hurt my chances to become Speaker.” –Jamie Grant

“There’s at least one other reason I can think of as to why Jacksonville is the new epicenter of power.”  –Lenny Curry

I couldn’t agree more. Jacksonville is on the rise.” Ron DeSantis

Keep dreaming, pal.” –Adam “Presumptive GOP Nominee” Putnam

*All real emails from real readers are wrapped in bright yellow police tape so that federal investigation targets (like Andrew Gillum) can tell the difference between bogus emails from political hacks like Bob Graham and actual useful information, like The Capitolist’s two full months of foreshadowing Jimmy Patronis’s appointment as CFO. Not that we’re bragging or anything. But people really ought to pay closer attention to the Monday Mailbag because it’s filled with Real** info.

**Real info is difficult to differentiate from fake emails, but it’s there if you know where to look.





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