Monday Mailbag: Florida Lockdown Edition

by | Mar 30, 2020

Real emails from real readers…

“Now that we’ve locked down all the interstates leading from Alabama and Georgia, there’s no way that virus can get in here.” –Ron DeSantis

“This place is like a vault.” –Florida Highway Patrol

“Florida should have kicked those spring breakers out of there a long time ago.” –National Media


“Don’t worry, we’re gonna block that one cruise ship. You have my word.” –Ron DeSantis

“Please do not publish this link, it will just distract from how the governor is protecting Floridians by blocking that cruise ship.” –Helen Aguirre Ferré

“Don’t worry, only another month of lockdown and it’ll all be over.” –Donald Trump

“Only a month? I’m thinking mid-May for South Florida.” –Ron DeSantis

“Another month of lockdown? How am I supposed to lock up the nomination?” –Joe Biden

“We’re working on a solution for that.” –Andrew Cuomo

“Hold up…you’re gonna lock down South Florida until mid-May? But the rest of Florida can move about freely?” –South Floridians

“Glad we’re not part of South Florida anymore.” –Citizens of the Conch Republic

“The preceding meme should not be construed to mean that The Capitolist is comparing the Jewish Holocaust with the current coronavirus lockdown.” –The Capitolist’s Legal Counsel

“Throwing that disclaimer up there just makes the previous Hitler joke less funny. People want edgy. They want to see you skirt the edge of acceptable conduct. Like that time I broke the 500+ pay-it-forward chain at Starbucks. That was edgy comedy in its purest form.” –Peter Schorsch

“Rumors about Mayor Curry strategically refusing to lock down Duval county because the virus is disportionately affecting Democrats are false because I haven’t built the model and run the simulations yet.” –Tim Baker

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow, which ironically is the same color as a Level-4 Biohazard Suit, an item which we’ll all probably own soon enough.




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