Monday Mailbag: Going Down with the Ship Edition

by | Mar 13, 2017

One week in, and Enterprise Florida is already on life support, but it’s nothing more than a mere distraction from all of the other skullduggery and shenanigans taking place outside the media spotlight. Thankfully, we have plenty of Real* Emails from Real* Readers to fill in all the blanks.

“I don’t even know what email is, but thought I’d send one in from my icy tomb in the North Atlantic, in honor of Mike Grissom’s maiden voyage on the R.M.S. Enterprise Florida.” Captain Edward Smith

“I don’t even know who Captain Edward Smith is, but thought I’d email in from my icy tomb at Visit Florida, just to let everyone know how grateful we are that we didn’t hit the House iceberg.” –Visit Florida bigwig John Tupps



“Please tell Mike Grissom that I sold my cigar business last year, and besides, we in the House frown on quasi-government employees drinking and smoking in government buildings.”-Jose Oliva

“Speaking of smoking on the job, can you believe how high I must have been when I named Rick Scott ‘Winner of the Week’ even after what happened with Chris Hart quitting EFI one day before session, and the Florida Housing voting to kill off EFI a couple of days later? Like seriously, I must have been stone cold blasted out of my gourd.” –Adam Smith

“Speaking of how stone cold blasted out of his gourd Adam Smith must be, at least that explains why he named me loser of the week just because I wore a jacket with a corporate logo on it.” –Frank Artiles

“Frank Artiles should know better than to show support for a Florida company, because corporations are evil, and our legislators should never want Florida companies to succeed.” –Florida Democrats

We agree. That’s why from now on, wearing any corporate logo automatically makes any public figure loser of the week.” –Tampa Bay Times’ Communist Editorial Staff

“I’d like to make a motion that next Monday is Frank Artiles Day at the Capital. In his honor, we’ll all show our support by getting a Florida entity logo tattooed on our bodies. Personally, I’m going with the Florida Justice Association logo.”  –Richard Corcoran

“Oooh. Great idea. I’ll get a Morgan and Morgan tramp-stamp on my lower back.” –Heather Fitzenhagen

“Won’t that cover up the other tattoo you already have there?” –Brad Drake

“Just remember, everyone, this column is pure satire. If Brad Drake actually knew the locations of Heather Fitzenhagen’s tattoos, you’d have read about it in Sunburn.” –Peter Schorsch

“Just remember, everyone, Heather Fitzenhagen really works for me. So if she had any tattoos at all, they would say ‘John Morgan for Governor.'” –Presumptive Democrat Nominee for Governor John Morgan

Just remember, everyone, that the world is turned so upside down that I’m now considered a ‘diversity pick’ on the Florida Constitutional Revision Commission.” –John Stemberger

“If you’re planning to write about Richard Corcoran’s new stance against University foundation spending, please don’t mention my quarter-million dollar salary I get from FSU for a part-time teaching gig because I’d hate for my sweetheart deal to be exposed.” –Steve MacNamara

“Whoa…FSU part-time profs earn a quarter-million a year? If I could make that kind of money I wouldn’t have to whore myself out to groups like the Everglades Foundation.” –Clemson opinion-for-hire professor Dr. Mike Maloney


*All Real(tm) Emails from Real(tm) Readers are highlighted in bright yellow so that below-average intelligence government bureaucrats can tell the difference between the real emails and totally made-up rumors sent in by people with a political axe to grind. Also, government bureaucrats of all intelligence levels should refrain from reading satirical emails on government computers because that would be a waste of taxpayer money and resources. To report government employees for wasting taxpayer resources, please use our contact page here. You may also use our contact page to send in your own made-up emails, rumors, or innuendos for publication in next week’s Monday Mailbag, because if you’re reading this, it’s too late for this week’s edition.



What is the most glaring political issue facing Floridians ahead of Legislative Session?
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