Monday Mailbag: Guaranteed to Make You Puke Edition

by | Oct 17, 2016

With just over three weeks to go before Americans vote for the presidential candidate they hate the least, we find ourselves awash in leaked emails, forged photoshops, sexual assault charges, disgusting publicity stunts, foul language and foul campaign tactics. Come to think of it, it’s exactly the kind of political cesspool that The Capitolist thrives on.  But even we can only take so much, which is why it’s once again time to open our bilge pumps and dump all these lousy leaks, pathetic personal attacks, blatant backstabs, and dispicable double crosses over the transom so we can pollute the public sphere.

In fact, this week’s edition is guaranteed to make you puke. If you’re not hurling your guts out by the time you reach the end of this week’s Mailbag, you’ll receive a free lifetime subscription to all future posts on The Capitolist.

As has become customary, it’s important that we explain to the humorless government bureaucrats, egotistic elected officials and thoughtless thought police that this particular column contains REAL* emails from REAL* readers, each of which are clearly labeled as such so as to distinguish them from actual satire.

Persons of Consequence who wish to send in their own blatant backstabs, flaming falsehoods or risque rumors may apply by submitting tips anonymously using our contact form.

“Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?” –Blaise “We can barely afford to pay the air conditioning bill at RPOF HQ” Ingoglia

“If Florida Republicans would just embrace solar, they could easily afford their electric bill at RPOF headquarters.” –Floridians for Solar Choice

“Is it just me, or is it REALLY getting hot in here?” –John “Another One Bites the Dust” Mica

“Hopefully, it’s just you.” –Marco Rubio

“I think John Mica is right. It’s definitely getting hot in here.” –David Jolly

“To me, it feels fine. A bit breezy, even. By the way, did you see that dramatization of David Jolly shaking Trump’s hand?” –Charlie Crist

“Oh, I saw it. And it’s even sleazier than your trip to the Bahamas.” –Adam Smith

“Speaking of breezy, have  you seen my latest poll showing that I’m beating Randy Perkins 41-40 in Allen West’s old district?” –Brian Mast

“Speaking of Allen West, have you seen my TV ad pointing out how Brian Mast is just as much of a right-wing nutjob?” Randy Perkins

“Speaking of District 18, does Brian Mast actually think he can win going up against the Clinton voter turnout machine?” –Florida Democrats

“Speaking of voter turnout, can you believe we actually get more time to request vote-by-mail ballots for dead voters thanks to Hurricane Matthew?” –Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

“Speaking of rigged elections, another cycle is clearly in full swing.” –Florida Secretary of State Ken Detzner

Of course the real Carlos Curbelo would never toot his own horn, but did you see how firefighters and teachers pulled their support from his sleazebag opponent Joe Garcia, then turned around and endorsed me…er, I mean, him?” –Totally Not the Real Carlos Curbelo

“Speaking of tooting one’s own horn, did you happen to catch that hilarious stunt I pulled by mailing my own pubic hair to the Trump campaign, then posting the pics on Facebook?” –Emily “You Should See What I Mailed to Rick Scott” Robinson

“Well, that explains those tiny little critters that came out of the envelope we opened last week.” Trump Direct Mail Fundraising Team

“Ugh.” –Everyone that has made it this deep into the mailbag.

“Finally, an election cycle that has set a new standard for sleaze, disgusting campaign tactics, and unlikable candidates.” —Richard Nixon’s Ghost

Hey Burgess, I hope you’re ready for me to lay the smack down when we go head-to-head on TV’s Capital Dateline this week.” –Peter Schorsch

“Sorry I bailed out on you on Capital Dateline. Um…POLITICO management thinks it’ll tarnish ourbrand if someone of my esteemed journalistic stature is seen in the same studio as you and Peter Schorsch.” –Matt “actually, Caputo doesn’t want me stealing the limelight” Dixon

*All REAL emails are highlighted in bright yellow to distinguish satire from the biting truths this column is meant to convey. 


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