Monday Mailbag: Hawkeye Cauci Edition

by | Feb 3, 2020

Real* emails from real readers…

“Will someone please tell Bernie Sanders he’s supposed to play the foil, not the spoiler?” –Joe Biden

“I think it’s obvious by now that we socialists are the future of the Democrat party. It’s not much of a future, granted, but that’s where we’re headed.” –Andrew Gillum

“Of course, socialism is just a means to an end.  An end which Trump made obvious to hundreds of millions of people during that pre-game interview.” –Bernie Sanders

“I’m sure glad I don’t have to file a financial disclosure before today’s big Iowa Caucus.” –Mike Bloomberg

“Speaking of that, doesn’t The Capitolist have anything better to do than hunt for errors in my sugar baby’s financial disclosures?” –Jake Bergmann

“Please refrain from further inquiry into my financial disclosures, because at this point, I’m not even sure what the truth is anymore.” –Nikki Fried

“I’d love to cover Nikki Fried’s financial disclosure issues, but she’s not a Republican.” –Mary Ellen Klas

“I hate to change the subject, but thanks for naming me Champ of the Week for my role in calling attention to sex trafficking at the Super Bowl.” –Lt. Gov. Jeannette Nunez

“Speaking of sex trafficking at the Super Bowl, did you manage to catch Pitbull at the pregame show? Make me sick that he and his sexy beaches are wearing clothes bought with Florida taxpayer dollars.” –Richard Corcoran

“Given his new commitment to high standards, please tell Richard Corcoran the new name is actually the ‘pre-kick’ show.” –Florida Education Association

“Just a reminder to Governor DeSantis that I too once renamed Florida’s education standards to avoid fallout from Common Core haters.” –Rick Scott

“If only people realized that Common Core is just a set of standards, and what they need to hate on is the actual curriculum. But I’m spitting into a hurricane.” –Lane Wright

“Speaking of standards, that Super Bowl halftime show would have been just as good without the crotch shots, stripper poles and assless pants.” –John Stemberger and decent Americans everywhere

“Please tell your readers that John Stemberger would never use the term ‘assless pants’ except to make a very important point about the state of cultural decay in America.” –Scott Plakon

“Speaking of cultural decay, did you catch my pre-kick interview with Sean Hannity? I mocked Mike Bloomberg about having smaller hands than little Marco.” –Donald Trump

“Is the 2020 election cycle here already? Ugh.” –Al Cardenas

“Is it just me or is this week’s mailbag just a little bit saltier than normal, mentioning assless pants and pulling socks up to your…you know? Clean it up for next week, okay?” –Mom

“Sorry, Mom.” –Brian Burgess

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even people who think it’s okay to show people clad in assless pants on a television broadcast to millions of people, can tell the difference between real cultural rot and content invented just to waste time on an otherwise slow Monday.

To be considered for inclusion in Monday Mailbag, persons of consequence seeking attention should email their memes, leaks and fake news polls to


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