Real* emails from real readers…

“A lot of people seem to think it was the Russians that stole the 2016 election for Trump. But we Democrats went all in on identity politics in 2016. Maybe that played a role?” –Concerned Florida Democrats

“Nah, if identity politics isn’t a winning idea, we wouldn’t be relying so heavily on that strategy for this 2018 election cycle. I mean, we wouldn’t, would we?” –All other Florida Democrats

“I thought 2018 was supposed to be the Year of the Woman. So as a woman, I’m asking all the important questions.” –Billee Bussard

“How can identity politics not work for us this time? We’re already calling DeSantis a racist, and we’re teeing up new sexist charges too. Surely it’ll work this cycle.” –Andrew Gillum

“Even our local Tampa Zoo…er ‘ZooTampa,’ is getting in on the idenity politics act this cycle with their racist baby rhino announcement.” –Peter Schorsch 

“We Democrats must stay the course on identity politics. We’re doing our part. Just check out the lead paragraph (and the rest of the story, for that matter) of our coverage of Gillum’s stop in Pinellas this weekend.” –Tampa Bay Times

“Actually, believe it or not, my Winner and Loser of the Week column has nothing to do with identity politics. But don’t worry, my fellow Democrats, there’s always next week.” –Adam Smith

“If there’s one identity that matters in Florida politics, it’s the person who identifies as Marion Hammer. If your caller ID lights up with her number, you’d better take the freakin’ call.” –Florida Republican Lawmakers

“I wish people knew my identity. Maybe then some voters would actually show up at my event appearances.” –Democrat Lt. Governor Nominee Chris King

“Please tell mister whatshisname that there were literally dozens of us at his big rally in Orlando.” –Moms for Gillum (all 24 of them)

“We’d like the Gillum campaign to note that we took special care to crop the photos so you couldn’t see the turnout was so pathetic.” –Orlando Sentinel

“Can we get back to the @#$!ing identity politics issue? I say it’s a @#$#% winner. I’m all in. @#$& the patriarchy! Republicans suck, and most Republicans are male. Coincidence? I think not. Also, I don’t care who thinks I’m a @#$!ing pottymouth.” —Anna Eskamani

“Why is bovine spongiform encephalpathy a trending search term in Florida today?” –Google engineers

“Wait…did Trump really tweet that?” –Fifty-seven percent of Florida insiders

“As a lawyer, I’d have advised you not to make references to militant feminists and bovine spongiform encephalpathy. Even though it’s satire, people can still sue you for anything. We’ve been over this a dozen times. Still, I laughed.” –The Capitolist’s resident lawyer, Sarah Rumpf

“Are we still talking about identity politics and lawyers? As a lawyer, I helped Navy SEALs and Delta Force shooters ID terrorists in Iraq. That’s my kind of identity politics.” –Ron DeSantis

“What? No socialist jokes this week?” –Kevin Cate

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even feminists infected with bovine spongiform encephalpathy can tell the difference between a real Trump tweet and crude but well-executed satirical mockery.

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