Monday Mailbag: Hooray! Coronavirus is Finally Here Edition

by | Mar 2, 2020

Real* emails from real readers…

“With two not-quite-confirmed coronavirus cases, maybe we’ll finally get some real action this legislative session.” –Florida Political Reporters



“We’re going to have to cancel the Florida primary.” –Mike Bloomberg



“Under no circumstances should we cancel the Florida primary. It’s the only state I’m going to win on Super Tuesday!” –Joe Biden



“Donald Trump is Florida Politics’ loser of the week because he told us not to freak out about coronavirus, and clearly, it’s TIME TO FREAK OUT. ARE YOU FREAKING OUT? I’M FREAKED OUT!!!” –Joe Henderson



“Don’t freak out. It’s basically the flu.” –Scott Rivkees

“Basically.” –Coronavirus Czar Mike Pence


“I am basically prepared to freak out, if Leon County parents want me to.” –LCS Superintendent Rocky Hanna

“We don’t want you to. It sounds like it’s just the flu.” –Leon County Parents

“But what about the 99.9943% of the Chinese population that still hasn’t caught the virus? Shouldn’t we be worried this will grow out of control?” –US National Media

“Wait…you mean only 0.000057% of the Chinese population actually caught it?  Why are we freaking out again?” –Grade School Math Teachers Everywhere

“It’s a big enough number for us to turn it into a national crisis. You saw what we did with Russian collusion.” –Democrats

“Never let a serious crisis go to waste.” –Rahm Emanuel

“Like I said, remain calm. It’s not a serious crisis. It’s basically just the flu. But we’re taking it seriously so you don’t have to freak out.” –Scott Rivkees.

“Is Rivkees downplaying the situation so that the Senate will confirm him before postponing session because of coronavirus, or am I overthinking things?” –Gary Fineout



“I, for one, am glad that everyone’s talking about coronavirus because at least they’re not talking about the fact I got named Chump of the Week in The Capitolist.” –Tom Lee


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even those suffering from hallucinations and fever from coronavirus can tell the difference between satire and actual medical advice.


1 Comment

  1. Charlotte Greenbarg


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