Monday Mailbag: “I am the Senate” Edition

by | Dec 4, 2017

Whoo whee! We’re in the middle of a no-holds-barred battle to the death between the Florida Senate and it’s own credibility.  As you can imagine after an exciting weekend like this, The Capitolist got plenty of hate mail, notes of encouragement from secret admirers, and reams of real* emails from real* readers. Let’s dig right in.

I may not be a Florida resident, but I am disgusted with Jack Latvala for the way in which he’s made a mockery of the sexual harassment allegations against him.” –Roy Moore

“I’m experiencing conflicting emotions. On one hand, Jack Latvala’s antics are offensive. On the other hand, he’s proven me right about Joe Negron.” –Frank Artiles

“I wish I’d done what Jack did. If I’d have just attacked my accuser in the media instead of resigning because I’m creepy, I’d still have a job.” –Stephen Bittel

I wish my latest TV ad was aimed at sexual harassment victims in the Florida Senate. I’d have a class-action lawsuit going by now.” –John Morgan of Morgan and Morgan

Like baseball, there’s no crying in sexual harassment investigations. You know, because it’s hardball. And Jack Latvala should be allowed to throw a brushback pitch at any broad who tries to crowd the plate on him.” -Mac Stipanovich

“Um, I think it’s time to remind everyone that this column is just satire, that Mac Stipanovich didn’t use the word ‘broad,’ and we’d still like to have him as a guest on The Capitolist television show.” –Ann Howard

“Please refrain from any future satirical mockery of Mr. Latvala. Your failure to comply with this request will result in Mr. Latvala giving all those text messages to one of your competitors, who will use them to prove that you begged him to come on your stupid television show, proving beyond all doubt that you don’t really think he’s a boor and a bully.” –Stephen Webster, Legal Counsel for Jack Latvala vs. the Politico Six

I was hoping to get a couple of years in under my belt in the Senate before I asserted myself as the true voice of leadership. But this week is as good as any, I suppose.” –Lauren Book

“What is that? Like foreshadowing or something? You honestly think a freshman Senator can come into my world and take me out? Not a chance. I am the Senate.” Jack Latvala

Did someone say ‘foreshadowing?’ With Star Wars Episode VIII coming out in just two weeks, the scene below might be sneak preview of the coming showdown in Tallahassee.” –Lizbeth Benacquisto 

Since the FBI clearly is wasting their time in Tallahassee, maybe they could do something useful, like investigate Latvala for sexual assault. I’m pretty sure there are cases where people have been accused of less and gotten prosecuted.” –Tallahassee’s As Yet Unindicted Mayor, Andrew Gillum

Hold up. Isn’t this supposed to be a satire column?” –Pam Bondi

I’m so glad Jack Latvala is trying to bully that woman by selectively releasing some of her text messages, because it’s gotten the spotlight off of me for a few days.: –Port Tampa Bay Chief Expense Overcharger Paul Anderson

Speaking of those text messages, they prove Jack Latvala is totally unaware of the lengths people go to flatter him.” –Katie Edwards and Jeanette Nunez

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that boorish state senators can tell the difference between a fake email written for everyone’s amusement and a flattering text message designed to play to the senator’s ego like Charlie Daniels playing the fiddle.


%d bloggers like this: