Monday Mailbag: Inspected and Approved for Accuracy Edition

by | Jan 20, 2020

Real* emails from real readers…


“When the The Capitolist publishes their big fake news hit piece about me this week, just remember that my face is plastered on gas pumps throughout the state next to the phrase ‘inspected and approved for accuracy.’ And I’m all about accuracy.” –Nikki Fried

“Is that like some kind of foreshadowing or something?” –Gary Fineout

“Speaking of foreshadowing, tomorrow marks the most glorious day since the dark times of 2016.” –Rick Wilson

“Speaking of impeachment, all sorts of new evidence could surface, and some of it might even implicate powerful and well-connected lobbyists.” –Jon Costello

“Speaking of lobbyists, am I still welcome at the Governor’s Club now that I got photographed in there after complaining about lobbyists?” –Daniel “Captains for Cocktails” Andrews

“To allow you back in, you must first choose any two of the following: (1) shave your beard, (2) lose the ball cap, (3) put on an apron and get behind the bar.” –Governor’s Club Management

“If the Governor’s Club has an appeals process, does that mean there is an appeals process for being named The Capitolist’s Chump of the Week?” –Bill Galvano

“While I’m glad Bill Galvano endorsed my Dad over Mini-Mike Bloomberg, he’s still a chump.” –Donald Trump, Jr. 

“I’d like to nominate Chris Latvala as The Capitolist’s chump for next week.” –Matt Gaetz

“I’d like to nominate Al Sharpton as The Capitolist’s next Champ of the Week.” –Chris Latvala

“I’d like to nominate myself as next week’s champ…again.” –Jose Oliva

“I can’t believe you’re copying my Winner and Loser of the Week column that I blatantly stole from the Tampa Bay Times.” –Peter Schorsch

“I don’t miss either you jerks, like, at all.” –Adam Smith

“Speaking of journalists turning to the dark side, did anyone notice how I’m now a paid environmental activist?” –Eve Samples

“How is that any different from when you collected your paycheck from the TC Palm?” –Robert Coker

“The difference is that, going forward, the cost of the activist content she produces will now be funded by environmentalists.” –TC Palm Management

“Still not seeing the difference.” –Robert Coker

“Neither do we.” –The Florida Phoenix


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even activist journalists like Eve Samples and the staff at the Florida Phoenix can tell the difference between actual fudged documents and fudged satirical content meant to generate laughter at their expense. This should be evident without having to explain it, but here we are.

Persons of consequence who wish to have their content considered for inclusion in the Monday Mailbag may apply by submitting content of consequence, including, but not limited to, leaking sensitive documents, passing along juicy rumors, or otherwise helping to make Florida a better place through mockery, self-deprecating humor, satire or other forms of memetic entertainment.

 

 

 

 

 

0 Comments

Leave a comment

 
%d bloggers like this: