Monday Mailbag: Jack Latvala’s Pixelated Parts Edition

by | Apr 2, 2017

This weekly column is a work of satire, and even though it has become infamous among Tallahassee’s most insidery insiders, it’s still necessary to post this disclaimer because, believe it or not, there are still a handful of holdouts who have yet to experience the joy of reading Real* Emails from Real* Readers, and it is conceivable that they might mistake the content below for “actual news.”  

“Can you believe we weren’t named Loser of the Week after our clueless digital team used an image of California as a backdrop in our campaign to harrass Florida lawmakers?” –Out of State Mega-Corporations Trying to Crush Florida Franchise Operators

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“Please tell Adam Smith I’m sorry for saying he’s the worst ever at picking Winners and Losers of the Week, when in fact, his pinch-hitter, Jeremy Wallace, totally struck out by naming Cary Pigman as ‘Loser of the Week,’ over a DUI that was already big news last weekend.” –Peter Schorsch

“In my defense, Pigman’s resignation from his subcommittee chairmanship was actually this week’s news.” –Jeremy Wallace

“Pigman losing a subcommittee makes him biggest loser? Puh-lease. Between the Senate’s proposed cut of $258.6 million, and the House’s proposal to cut $621.8 million in Medicaid, any rational person would have to agree that we are the biggest losers of the week.” –Florida Hospitals

“Hospitals are the biggest losers? Puh-lease. Doctors and hospital execs will still park their BMW’s in reserved spots in the hospital parking garage, while the real losers – us – are forced to walk out to the bus stop after the hospital turns us away because Florida lawmakers slashed our medical coverage.” –Florida’s underprivileged families

“I’m tired of all this loser talk. Let’s talk about how Jeremy Wallace totally whiffed on Winner of the Week by failing to mention Trump’s new general counsel for the Department of Education.” –Newly appointed USDOE general counsel Carlos Muniz

“I for one am glad all this attention is being focused on winner and loser of the week, because nobody noticed that I tucked $1.8 million into the state budget to pay for a statue in my honor to be placed in front of the Senate Rotunda near the corner of Monroe and E. Madison Street.” –Jack Latvala

Latvala Statue

“@#!@% Jack, April Fools jokes are one thing, but if that’s actually real, I’m gonna strip you of your chairmanship. That’s disgusting.” –Joe Negron

“Not as disgusting as asking your friend at Martin Health to hold a press conference in support of Senate Bill 10 in exchange for gutting the ambulatory surgical center bill. But I gotta admit, that’s my kinda hardball.” –Jack Latvala

“Speaking of playing um…hardball…under Chapter 119 of Florida’s Sunshine Laws, the Florida Capital Press Corps officially requests that you unpixelate Jack Latvala’s private parts, because we’ve totally lost all common sense when it comes to lawmakers and their privacy.” –Barbara Petersen, First Amendment Foundation

“Speaking of public records requests, when is The Capitolist going to publish that big story about a certain document that’s been collecting dust on Richard Corcoran’s desk since before he became speaker?” –Friends of David Rivera

“Speaking of Richard Corcoran, is he going to let the Senate look the other way while Churchill Downs funnels millions through their XpressBet system in order to avoid paying Florida taxes?” –Rick Scott’s Office of Policy and Budget

“To be fair, when I was testifying in committee, I did actually ask a completely unpixelated Jack Latvala to tax my clients on the money they are laundering through XpressBet, because talk is cheap. But convincing Latvala to sweep it under the rug? That’s expensive, and Churchill Downs can expect a hefty invoice from me very soon.”  –Mark Dunbar

*Real Emails are marked in bright yellow to differentiate them from malicious lies, libelous slander,and slanderous mischief spread by state employees who hate their bosses, lobbyists who hate their clients, constituents who hate their elected representatives, and politicians who hate each other. 


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