Sometimes there are days where the news cycle is just too serious for satire. Today is not one of those days.
“With all the new allegations we dropped on Jack Latvala, it’s easy to forget we still haven’t published the secret surveillance photo we have of him kissing a lobbyist on the lips.” –POLITICO
“In the absence of the actual surveillance photo, POLITICO is leaving us with no choice but to use our imaginations about what it might show. And we have quite an imagination.” –Florida Democrats
“Why waste time imagining when you can just look at this artist’s conception that I commissioned?” –Don Gaetz
“This so-called artists’ conception is a farce. As I told POLITICO, my kiss with Mr. Latvala was purely a friendly greeting…on the lips.” –XOXOXOXOXOXO
“If you’re going to mock me, at least get the facts right. While I was indeed hanging upside down in a Spider-Man suit, my mouth was closed.” –Jack Latvala
“No, no, no. He’s lying. He wasn’t wearing a Spider-Man suit because Latvala is more like Doctor Octopus.” –Richard Corcoran
“Is anyone even the least bit surprised about this? We’ve been whispering about Latvala’s hands on approach to budget matters for years.” –Tallahassee Insiders
“We even have a nickname for Latvala: Groper-Man.” –Matt Gaetz
“With the burning wreckage of Latvala’s campaign out of the way, maybe I’ll get into this governor’s race after all.” –Ron DeSantis
“As the frontrunner for the GOP nomination, my job, for the time being, is simply to be the most boring candidate.” —Adam Putnam
“That’ll never work.” –John Morgan, of Morgan and Morgan
“Are you sure, because that’s been my strategy all along. And I’ve no plans to change it.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter
*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that creepy lawmakers and disgusting lobbyists clomping around in short skirts and giant stilettos can recognize the difference between tantalizing truth and stinging satire.