Monday Mailbag: Low-Energy Election Edition

by | May 21, 2018

Real* emails from real readers…

In case you missed it, we really, really, really, really, really want everyone to know that Bill Nelson went to space once.” –Tampa Bay Times

Thanks! At least someone in Florida is campaigning to re-elect our boss. If only our boss would join you.”  –Nelson’s Senate Staff

My campaign in a nutshell: Dear Tampa Bay Times – Please make my Space Camp picture a little bigger in your story. I want to make sure everyone knows I went to Space Camp. That’s why I always include it in every mailer I send and of course, you can download it on my website.” Bill Nelson

I could buy a space shuttle with all the cash I’m spending to define Bill Nelson as a career politician who once took a congressional junket to space.” –Rick Scott

We (and I use that term loosely) are proud to announce that two hundred thousandths of a percent of Florida’s population showed up to protest an issue that the other 99.9987% of the population just isn’t all that concerned about. We really feel like we’re making a real difference. At least that’s what we tell our idiot donors.” –Environment Florida’s Jennifer Rubiello

If ‘Republicans in Name Only’ are called RINO’s, and ‘Democrats in Name Only’ are called DINO’s, what do you get when you cross a RINO with a DINO?” –David Jolly

“Yes, that would make for a great logo for our joint gubernatorial venture, but I have a better idea, my loyal squire.” –Patrick Murphy

I slipped up when I said I’d pick David Jolly as a running mate…Daddy said I need to act progressive until I win the primary, then I can pander just like he used to.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter

Go ahead, my fellow progressives. Click that link above. It’s literally the best story about Gwen Graham I’ve read all year. ” –Andrew Gillum

“You two keep fighting. I’m just gonna spend a bunch of money attacking sugar farmers because they donate money to political candidates, as is their right under the law.” Chris King

“You keep spending money on ads attacking sugar farmers. I’m just gonna keep collecting it so I can bury you, the mayor and Bob Graham’s daughter in August.” Democrat Frontrunner Phil Levine

Who needs cash to campaign when you have a volunteer army as big as mine?” -Adam Putnam

“I don’t need volunteers or cash to campaign…or even pants. I’m doing pretty well with just a shirt, a tie, a jacket, my boxer shorts, and Skype.” Ron DeSantis

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even low-energy, mail-it-in politicians like Bill Nelson, Gwen Graham and Ron DeSantis can tell the difference between fake emails and honest-to-goodness campaign propaganda sent by opponents to disparage their reputations.



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