LLW Masthead 1000 x 100

Real* emails from real readers mocking real or imagined news stories we might read this week:


“Rick Scott exercised some small amount of power in his final days as governor which can only be viewed as a slight to Governor-elect DeSantis.” –Matt Dixon

“Rick Scott’s schedule was empty these last few days, which can only be viewed as proof he should have resigned early and allowed Carlos Lopez-Cantera to be governor for a few days.” –Gary Fineout, Brendan Farrington and George Bennett

“Minutes after being sworn in, Ron DeSantis signed a random executive order to advance his bold vision for a brighter future.” –Helen Aguirre Ferré

“Ron DeSantis signing a random executive order minutes after being sworn in proves his administration is a failure.” –Florida Democratic Party

“Five things I think about the tie Shane Strum wore to the inauguration ceremony.” –Peter Schorsch

“Four hours after being sworn in, Governor DeSantis still hasn’t solved the algae bloom crisis in Lake Okeechobee.” –Mitch Perry, Florida Phoenix

“This week’s inauguration of Governor DeSantis further cements Andrew Gillum as the 2020 Democratic frontrunner for President.” –Kevin Cate

“Jeanette Núñez being sworn in as Florida’s first hispanic female elected to statewide office is a really important milestone that matters.” –Tampa Bay Times

“Ron DeSantis’s failure to grant Jeanette Núñez more authority proves Republicans are racist and sexist.” –Florida Democrats

“Shevron Jones farted at the inaugural ball, here’s why it matters.” –Peter Schorsch

“We’re so sad to see Bill Nelson go because he was the greatest thing to ever happen to Florida, or some such nonsense.” –Miami Herald

“Wyclef Jean playing Nikki Fried’s inaugural ball is proof that Nikki is really cool, and says nothing about how desperate Wyclef Jean is for paying gigs.” –Max Flugrath

“Speaking of music stars, my buddy Pitbull will not be rapping at any Department of Education events because we can’t afford his one million dollar fee.” –Richard Corcoran

My buddy Vanilla Ice will not be playing at my swearing in ceremony because Mitch McConnell wouldn’t allow it.” –U.S. Senator-elect Rick Scott

“My buddy P-Diddy won’t be playing at the inauguration party because I didn’t win.” –Andrew Gillum

“I won’t be playing at Gwen Graham’s inauguration party for the same reason.” –Jimmy Buffett

“I can’t believe Ron DeSantis couldn’t get someone better for his inauguration than Lee Greenwood. I could have lined up Kanye West with one phone call.” –Donald Trump


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even junior members of the DeSantis Administration pretending to do important work in the bowels of the capitol building can tell the difference between truth and satire while they are surfing the internet on their government computers.

 

 

 

 

LLW Masthead 1000 x 100