Monday Mailbag: Merry-Go-Round Edition

by | Jul 8, 2018

 

Real* emails from real readers after yet another wildly spinning week in the Florida political scene…


“Will someone please remind Peter Schorsch that unlike Andrew Gillum, I have access to Silicon Valley donors, so the real general election will be ME versus Ron DeSantis.” -Phil Levine

“Uh…not so fast. Unlike Ron DeSantis, I actually have a massive grass roots and GOTV operation, so the real general election will be ME versus Phil Levine.” -Adam Putnam

“Hold up. Unlike Phil Levine, my father is a former governor who has given me access to his donor network. So the November ballot will actually be me versus Adam Putnam.”-Bob Graham’s daughter

“You’re all forgetting one thing. I can literally buy all of my opponents five times over. And I’m basically a total nut job. So if I ever decide to put my money where my mouth is, the general election ballot will be me versus myself.” -Jeff Greene

“Wait, wait, wait! New polls show I am the clear frontrunner in the GOP primary, leaving Putnam to eat my President Trump-endorsed dust.”-Ron DeSantis

“Which polls? The one from the pollster with the bottom-of-the-barrel ‘C’ rating or the internal poll released from your own campaign? Every campaign manager with enough brain power to walk and chew gum at the same time knows how to game an internal poll.”-Every political consultant in Florida not currently on DeSantis’ payroll

“If DeSantis is the frontrunner, why is he ducking out of our scheduled debate in The Villages this month?”-Adam Putnam

“We sell more Viagra per capita than anywhere else in the country, so maybe DeSantis should pop by for a little blue pill-induced fortification.”-an anonymous Publix pharmacist in The Villages

“Hey, don’t blame me. When I found out Fox News wasn’t drafting the debate questions this time around, we suddenly discovered an unavoidable ‘scheduling conflict.’ Also, have I mentioned that I’ve been endorsed by Donald Trump?” -Ron DeSantis

“Hey! What’s a guy gotta do to get some earned media with the press obsessed over the statewide races? Maybe insulting a grieving father and reminding people I’m lucky to not be in jail right now will work?”-Congressional candidate Javier Manjarres

“Well, I’m a statewide candidate and can’t get anyone to take me seriously for some reason.” -Senate candidate Rocky De La Fuente

“Maybe that’s because you’re a perennial candidate who’s also running for Senate in California, Minnesota, Vermont, Washington, Wyoming, Arendelle, and King’s Landing.”-The entire Florida political press corps

“I’m coming to Tallahassee this week so I’m sure I’ll find lots of news stories and great entertainment.”-Peter Schorsch

“Sounds like a great week to get the heck out of town. Middle-of-Absolutely-Nowhere, Missouri sounds PERFECT. Wait, do I hear banjo music?” -Brian Burgess

“Yeah, I’m outta here too. Managed to get some Taylor Swift tickets and scheduled some meetings in D.C. around it so I can call this a business trip.” -Sarah Rumpf

“I’m locked in the bunker recording the audiobook version of my upcoming book, ‘I Really Really Really Don’t Like Trump’ so no one is going to see me until that’s done.”-Rick Wilson


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even pollsters and overpaid consultants trying to adjust their sample sizes to prove that Jeb! really did have a viable path to the White House don’t get confused.

Photo credit: Forsaken Fotos via Flickr

3 Comments

  1. Eddison Walters for Congress

    Support Eddison Walters for U.S. Congress District 22

    The ex-con violent criminal Javier Manjarres crying about not getting media coverage, what a joke for a candidate who has not chance at all. Having a big ego, anger management issues, a criminal record, bad judgement, and a big mouth, are hardly the qualification the Republican Party needs to win District 22 and help protect Republican control over the U.S. Congress.

    Reply
  2. Eddison Walters for U.S. Congress - District 22

    Violent criminal Javier Manjarres claims to have conservative values, but he is not married, has kids with a woman, and a womanizer.

    We are going to keep the pressure on the violent criminal ex-con Javier Manjarres who is unmarried and lives with a woman who he has a child with and another on the way any day, but also have 3 different cases file against him by 3 different people since 2017 for, stalking violence, dating violence, and domestic violence. Ask him why are all these different people filing these cases against him when he lives with a woman who he claims to be his girlfriend. Conservative values, what conservative values? Give me a break violent criminal ex-con Javier Manjarres. This guy can win an election for dog catcher, but I hate to insult dog catchers by talking about them in the same sentence with him. Support Eddison Walters for U.S. Congress – District 22. I don’t have to hide in the background to post my responses.

    Reply
  3. Eddison Walters for U.S. Congress - District 22

    Violent criminal Javier Manjarres claims to have conservative values, but he is not married, has kids with a woman, and is a womanizer.

    We are going to keep the pressure on the violent criminal ex-con Javier Manjarres who is unmarried and lives with a woman who he has a child with and another on the way any day, but also have 3 different cases file against him by 3 different people since 2017 for, stalking violence, dating violence, and domestic violence. Ask him why are all these different people filing these cases against him when he lives with a woman who he claims to be his girlfriend. Conservative values, what conservative values? Give me a break violent criminal ex-con Javier Manjarres. This guy can win an election for dog catcher, but I hate to insult dog catchers by talking about them in the same sentence with him. Support Eddison Walters for U.S. Congress – District 22. I don’t have to hide in the background to post my responses.

    Reply

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