Real* emails from real readers after yet another wildly spinning week in the Florida political scene…
“Will someone please remind Peter Schorsch that unlike Andrew Gillum, I have access to Silicon Valley donors, so the real general election will be ME versus Ron DeSantis.” -Phil Levine
“Uh…not so fast. Unlike Ron DeSantis, I actually have a massive grass roots and GOTV operation, so the real general election will be ME versus Phil Levine.” -Adam Putnam
“Hold up. Unlike Phil Levine, my father is a former governor who has given me access to his donor network. So the November ballot will actually be me versus Adam Putnam.”-Bob Graham’s daughter
“You’re all forgetting one thing. I can literally buy all of my opponents five times over. And I’m basically a total nut job. So if I ever decide to put my money where my mouth is, the general election ballot will be me versus myself.” -Jeff Greene
“Wait, wait, wait! New polls show I am the clear frontrunner in the GOP primary, leaving Putnam to eat my President Trump-endorsed dust.”-Ron DeSantis
“Which polls? The one from the pollster with the bottom-of-the-barrel ‘C’ rating or the internal poll released from your own campaign? Every campaign manager with enough brain power to walk and chew gum at the same time knows how to game an internal poll.”-Every political consultant in Florida not currently on DeSantis’ payroll
“If DeSantis is the frontrunner, why is he ducking out of our scheduled debate in The Villages this month?”-Adam Putnam
“We sell more Viagra per capita than anywhere else in the country, so maybe DeSantis should pop by for a little blue pill-induced fortification.”-an anonymous Publix pharmacist in The Villages
“Hey, don’t blame me. When I found out Fox News wasn’t drafting the debate questions this time around, we suddenly discovered an unavoidable ‘scheduling conflict.’ Also, have I mentioned that I’ve been endorsed by Donald Trump?” -Ron DeSantis
“Hey! What’s a guy gotta do to get some earned media with the press obsessed over the statewide races? Maybe insulting a grieving father and reminding people I’m lucky to not be in jail right now will work?”-Congressional candidate Javier Manjarres
“Well, I’m a statewide candidate and can’t get anyone to take me seriously for some reason.” -Senate candidate Rocky De La Fuente
“Maybe that’s because you’re a perennial candidate who’s also running for Senate in California, Minnesota, Vermont, Washington, Wyoming, Arendelle, and King’s Landing.”-The entire Florida political press corps
“I’m coming to Tallahassee this week so I’m sure I’ll find lots of news stories and great entertainment.”-Peter Schorsch
“Sounds like a great week to get the heck out of town. Middle-of-Absolutely-Nowhere, Missouri sounds PERFECT. Wait, do I hear banjo music?” -Brian Burgess
“Yeah, I’m outta here too. Managed to get some Taylor Swift tickets and scheduled some meetings in D.C. around it so I can call this a business trip.” -Sarah Rumpf
“I’m locked in the bunker recording the audiobook version of my upcoming book, ‘I Really Really Really Don’t Like Trump’ so no one is going to see me until that’s done.”-Rick Wilson
*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even pollsters and overpaid consultants trying to adjust their sample sizes to prove that Jeb! really did have a viable path to the White House don’t get confused.
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