It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas around The Capitolist’s world headquarters, especially with all the presents left in the mailbag by real* readers. To be considered for a membership at The Capitolist, persons of consequence may apply by leaking sensitive documents and internal emails and sending them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“Monica Russo will make a fine Democratic Party chair because even though she looks creepy, we don’t think she’s doing it on purpose.” –SEIU Local 1199
“Speaking of creepy…have you noticed that there’s not a single male candidate running for FDP so far? I think we finally scared them all away.” –Florida National Organization for Women
“If you thought Stephen Bittel was creepy, there’s no way you whiny Democrats would be able to stomach me as governor. I’m out.” —John Morgan of Morgan and Morgan
“Don’t worry, fellow Democrats. I’m just like John Morgan, except without the charisma.” –Phil Levine
“Don’t worry fellow Democrats, I’m just like Phil Levine, except without the resume.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter
“Don’t worry, fellow Democrats, I’m just like Bob Graham’s daughter, except I spent the last couple years traveling everywhere with a guy I didn’t know was an undercover FBI agent.” –Andrew Gillum
“Don’t worry, fellow Democrats, I’m just like Andrew Gillum without the FBI cloud, and of course you’ve never heard of me and probably never will.” –Chris King
“Don’t worry, you guys. I named you all this week’s big winner because John Morgan is officially out of your way!” –Adam Smith
“What about us? What do we win?” –Florida Democratic Party
“What about me? Maybe I should be loser of the week. My party hates me, and even my fellow Hispanics don’t want me around.” –Carlos “The Latin Rhino” Curbelo
“Speaking of guys who aren’t actually acting conservative, what do you think of the mess I’m making of the Constitutional Revision Committee?” –Carlos “Kitchen Sink” Beruff
*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even creepy Democrats with glasses permanently attached to their heads can tell the difference between a real sexual harassment complaint and a fake email accusing them of being creepy.