Real* emails from real* readers!
“Please take it easy on Alex Leary this week. He’s filling in for me picking all the winners and losers.” –Adam “Mailing it In” Smith
“Please don’t tell Adam Smith this, but his job isn’t really that hard. I mean, just look how easy it was for me to pick two random names out of a hat and write a few sentences about them.” –Alex “Adam Smith Junior” Leary
“Please don’t tell Adam Smith this, but I hope he stays on vacation indefinitely.” –Jeb “Winner of the Week” Bush
“How can Jeb Bush be winner of the week when Hillary Clinton won the first presidential debate?” –Democrat Data Maestro Steve Schale
“How can a mosquito be loser of the week when Donald Trump had another meltdown, this time over a porn star?” –Democrat Smackdown Specialist Max Steele
“Technically, appearing topless in a porn mag doesn’t make her a porn star. We rate the claim mostly false.” –PolitiFake Florida
“Umm…porn star? No. Porn model? Yes. Trust me. I know the difference between porn and not porn.” –Internet Bikini Inspector Mike Bennett
“How can you name Pam Bondi as a serious 2018 guberatorial contender and not name me?” –Former CIA operative and American Hero Todd Wilcox
“How do I get one of those cool nicknames like you gave to Todd Wilcox?” –Presumptive Governor Adam Putnam
“Please refrain from giving me a nickname. You already screwed up my 2018 master plan by naming me in your stupid fantasy article.“ –Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran
“Speaking of fantasies, please refrain from giving me a nickname, as I’m quite busy pretending that my “buy the land” announcement had nothing to do with trying to support my wife’s campaign for congress.” –Joe “Fantasy Island” Negron
“Please refrain from giving me a nickname, as I’m much too busy fighting off salacious allegations about my past.” –Ivette “Hemp Honey Dust” Gonzalez Petkovich
“Speaking of nicknames, how could you forget to name me to your list of possible gubernatorial candidates in 2018?” –Carlos “Historical Footnote” Beruff
“Can you put me in touch with former CIA case officer and American hero Todd Wilcox? Because after Marco trounces me in a few weeks, I’m going to need a new job, and since my entire life is predicated on a false identity, maybe I can get a job as a CIA spy.” –Erin Murphy
“Speaking of American heroes, thanks for including me on your list of 2018 contenders.” –Navy SEAL Legal Adviser and Terrorist Prosecutor Ron DeSantis
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everyone’s getting all these cool nicknames or descriptions in this week’s mailbag. What about me? Do you have one for me? Come on…do your worst.” –Just Jeff Atwater
“When are you going to make a list of top Democrat contenders for governor?” –Florida Media Darling Gwen Graham
“Speaking of media darlings, I see you’ll now be on a ‘media’ discussion panel with me at the AIF summit in Orlando this week.” –Paywall Pioneer Matt Dixon
“Between Dixon’s paywall blog, and your whatever it is, I guess they’ll let just about anyone into a media discussion panel these days.” –Credentialed journalist and micro-media mogul Peter Schorsch
“I turned down every media panel offer I’ve received for the past month because I’m much too busy cutting and pasting together my morning newsletter.” –Mark “Control-x / Control-v” Caputo
*This is a work of satire. Government officials who read this and don’t understand this type of humor not only take themselves much too seriously, but they also shouldn’t be reading satirical publications on taxpayer time or government computers.
If you are an elected official or bureaucrat staffer who is using a government computer to read this political satire column on taxpayer’s time, please report yourself here.