Monday Mailbag: Political Crucifixions and Resurrections Edition

by | Apr 16, 2017

Verily I say unto thee, this is a work of political satire, and verily one of the finest such works in all of Florida, if not the nation. He who has ears let him hear, certain public officials, tax collectors, political henchmen, lobbyists and other dregs and lowlifes, desperate to use the material published herein to boost their own standing or diminish the standing of others, may be tempted to purloin, borrow or otherwise regurgitate the lies, falsehoods, half-truths, rumors and innuendos that we make up out of whole cloth in the interest of political entertainment, and pass them off as if they are the whole truth.

Thou shalt not do it, lest ye find thyself repaid sevenfold.

“Though I am innocent of breaking Richard Corcoran’s rules against campaigning for the 2022 speaker’s race, I’m still being persecuted by Jamie Grant’s minion’s.”  –Paul Renner

“Some might even say you’re getting crucified.” –Matt Dixon

“Yes…crucify him!” –Jamie Grant

“Like Pontius Pilate, I’m washing my hands of this whole mess.” –Randy Fine

No, I wash MY hands of the mess, even though it’s a mess I created. You can be Barrabas, the criminal rabble-rouser who gets pardoned.”  –Richard Corcoran

Mmmm. Barrabas. Is that one of those Italian buffets up there on Capital Circle?” –Jack Latvala

Speaking of restaurants and crucifixions, did you hear about the health violations at Mar-A-Lago?” –Florida Democrats, not satisfied with all the other knocks against Donald Trump

Speaking of washing hands of messes, thanks to Speaker Corcoran’s decision not to enforce the ethics commission recommendations against me, I’ve been politically resurrected.” –David Rivera

“Speaking of persecutions, crucifixions, and resurrections, I’m clinging to rumors that I may yet be allowed to live.” –EFI’s Interim CEO Mike Grissom

“Please tell Mike Grissom to have faith in the power of my anti-Corcoran public relations tour.” –Rick Scott

“Speaking of political tours and resurrections, I’m not even dead yet. And I wanted to thank Richard Corcoran for letting me use the House rostrum to breathe new life into our joint campaign against Rick Scott.” –Senator Bill Nelson

Is it just me, or is Richard Corcoran literally following Rick Scott’s 2009 political playbook? Ok…nevermind. It’s so very obviously just me.” Tony Fabrizio

Is that some kind of meta joke that people inside the governor’s inner circle aren’t supposed to get?” Curt “The Whale Whisperer” Anderson

Wait…what’s this ‘Whale Whisperer’ reference?” —Melissa Stone

Relax…it’s just a reference to how Vegas casinos always find ways to separate rich people from their money.” –Brecht Heuchan

Speaking of casinos, we’re still trying to decide if we’re being crucified or resurrected with Galvano’s gaming bill. But mostly, we think we’re being crucified.” Seminole Tribe

“To the contrary, a rising tide lifts all boats. The Seminoles, and the parimutuels, are all being resurrected!” –Bill Galvano

Thanks for not crucifying me over yet another really awful Winner and Loser of the Week in Florida Politics, even though I totally deserve worse.” –Adam Smith

“Thanks to Adam Smith, people who read his Winner of the Week column probably think I’m some sort of Democrat Messiah in the Florida Legislature, but of course I’m totally irrelevant.” –Rep. David Richardson

“Is it too late for me to get in on this ‘political resurrection’ theme you have going?” –U.S. Rep. Ron DeSantis




%d bloggers like this: