Monday Mailbag: Pork -n- Bean Edition

by | Mar 20, 2017

This satire column is 100% comprised of made up emails. Although that doesn’t mean they aren’t true.

“Will someone please fire Adam Smith from his Winner and Loser of the Week column? He absolutely sucks at it.” –Peter Schorsch

“I, for one, am glad Adam Smith sucks so bad at picking the rightful Winners and Losers of the Week, because everyone knows my client, Aaron Bean, was the hands-down loser this week.” –Sarah Bascom

“Please tell Aaron Bean that if he’s not going to explain his actions, he should at least admit making a mistake first, like I did in 2010. The quiet game only works if you own the issue first.” –Rick Scott 

Silence of the Bean

“In defense of my failure to name Aaron Bean Loser of the Week, I wrote the Winner and Loser column on Friday, and the ‘Pork -n- Bean Scandal’ didn’t break until late Saturday.” —Adam Smith

In defense of my actions during the indefensible Pork-n-Bean Scandal to deprive taxpayers of a million bucks, I’d like the jury the readers know that the reason I downplayed my involvement to Arek Sarkissian is because I’m just a really humble guy and I didn’t think people needed to know that I am also on the marketing team of the company that I funneled all that money to. Wait…should I maybe get a lawyer?” –Aaron “Pork-n” Bean 

Wait, what Pork and Bean Scandal? I don’t get it.” –Daphne Campbell

There, there, Daphne…ssshhhhh. Just lay your head back down on your desk.”  –Florida House Sergeant-at-Arms

To get more traction on Part Two of my blockbuster story about Aaron Bean, I’m going to try a funny headline, like, ‘Someone Spilled the Beans on Bean’s Pork, Now Bean is Baked.’” –Arek Sarkissian

“Baked? Um…no. That would be a totally different kind of scandal.” –Ben Pollara

“Especially if Bean got baked on the stuff growing on Halsey Beshear’s family weed farm.” –Max Steele

“What’s all this talk about weed? I thought the Pork -n- Bean Scandal was about how Bean scammed me and Halsey Beshears for a million bucks in taxpayer funding.” –John Thrasher

“Wait. What? Someone scammed a million bucks? From taxpayers? Wow. Was it Aaron Bean? Just a wild guess. I really don’t remember. Except I do remember that I’m not passionate about Aaron Bean’s projects, but I’m very passionate about how trustworthy Aaron Bean is. At least I think I used to be passionate about his trustworthiness. Probably. Let me check my notes. They’re around here somewhere.” –Halsey Beshears

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Please let Halsey Beshears know that 4 out of 5 pot doctors recommend medical marijuana to improve memory problems.” –Presumptive Democrat Gubernatorial Nominee John Morgan

“Note to Self: Aaron Bean looks really trustworthy. So if he asks for a million dollars, I shouldn’t spend a waking moment asking what it’s for or thinking about how it might be used. I will just give him the money, because the taxpayers elected me to make judgments about the likeability and trustworthiness of other legislators. It is not my place to think about whether or not the public will ever see a return on their tax dollars.” –From the Desk of Halsey Beshears

Can you believe my luck? Just when I launched my crusade against wasteful university spending, Aaron Bean hands me a loaded gun and blindfolds himself.” –Richard Corcoran

“Speaking of good luck, can you believe that I got to relieve death-penalty opponent Aramis Ayala from her prosecution of that cop killer, which helped me win back the news cycle just a few days after all that bad news about EFI?” –Rick Scott

“Yet another exhibit in my case to fire Adam Smith from the Winner and Loser of the Week column.” –Peter Schorsch










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