Monday Mailbag: Post-Apocalyptic Power Outage Edition

by | Sep 4, 2016

After much debate about whether or not to postpone the Monday Mailbag until Tuesday due to the combination of Labor Day and Hurricane Hermine fallout, wiser minds prevailed. So, here it is, brought to you by Talquin Cooperative, Duke Energy, Florida Power and Light, solar panels, or perhaps by good old fashioned fossil fuels burning in a portable generator. Regardless of your power source, those of us in Tallahassee can all universally agree that electricity is AWESOME.

What follows are real* emails from real* readers of The Capitolist.

“Please remind all Leon County Sheriff employees to return their taxpayer-funded portable generators in use at their personal residences when power is finally restored.” –Leon County Democrat Sheriff Mike Wood

“Please ask Leon County Democrat Sheriff Mike Wood if he knows where to find more portable generators so that Tallahassee residents aren’t so upset that I made sure my neighborhood got power restored first.Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum

“Please tell Mayor Gillum that any Leon County Sheriff’s Office officials caught using county generators at their personal residences should be ashamed, because using official government equipment for personal benefit is frowned upon by voters.” -Leon County Democrat Sheriff Mike Wood

“Who cares what’s happening in Leon County? Now that I’m a virtual shoe-in to be a Congressman, I’m finally my own man.” –Son of Don Gaetz

“Now that my son is a virtual shoe-in to be a Congressman, maybe he won’t need me to bail him out of trouble anymore.” –Don Gaetz

“Who cares about Leon County? Now that I’m a virtual shoe-in to be a Congressman, I can stop posing as a low-paid doctor, and go back to making the big bucks from all my buddies on K-street in Washington.” –“Doctor” Neal Dunn

“I love Leon County. And now that I’m a virtual shoe-in to be a Congressman, I have time to laugh at Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum. He coulda been in Congress. Now, he’s under fire for screwing up the response to Hurricane Hermine.” –Al Lawson

“Now that I’m a virtual shoe-in to be a Congressman, maybe Dan Bongino can help me get a book deal with World Net Daily.” –Francis Rooney

“I was already a virtual shoe-in to be a Congressman, but then I decided to become a virtual shoe-in for Senate. And then, Marco Rubio broke his promise.” –Rep. Patrick Murphy

“Can you blame me? That Carlos Beruff guy was just such a tool.” –Senator Marco Rubio

“Please let Marco Rubio that know my boss accepts his challenge of six debates, just as soon as Rubio agrees to serve six full years in the U.S. Senate in the unlikely event he is elected.” –Murphy campaign spokesman Jonathan Karp

“Please don’t give Jonathan Karp credit for that clever political counterpunch. It was my idea all along.” –Rep. Patrick Murphy

“Please don’t forget that anything my boss says about his professional qualifications are usually embellished.” –Jonathan Karp

“Can you believe Adam Smith actually named me ‘winner of the week?'” –Carlos “Historical Footnote” Beruff

“Please tell me why Adam Smith thinks Carlos Beruff spending $31.40 per vote is a ‘great deal.'” –Governor Rick Scott

“Please explain to Rick Scott that in 2010, he spent $83.25 per vote.” –Adam Smith

“Please ask Adam Smith which of these is the better deal: a delicious steak dinner that cost $83.25, or a look at the menu for just $31.40?” –Governor Rick Scott 

“I’ll have the steak.” –Senator Marco Rubio

“On this date in 1666, the Great Fire of London ended, leaving 13,200 houses destroyed and 8 people dead.” –Hudson the Historian

I wonder if the senior leaders of the London Fire Department used taxpayer funded fire brigades to protect their own homes?” –Leon County Democrat Sheriff Mike Wood

“On this date in 2016, there were so many losers to chose from, it was just too much work to pick even one for my weekly winners and losers column.” –Adam Smith

“Please ask Adam Smith how he can cash his paycheck in good conscience after not only naming Carlos “Historical Footnote” Beruff a winner of the week, but also naming Gwen Graham as the second ‘winner of the week’ because she’s out campaigning with Hillary while I’m busy dealing with flooding from Hurricane Hermine.” –Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn

“Please ask Adam Smith how he can look at himself in the mirror after naming Gwen Graham ‘winner of the week’ for campaigning with Hillary while I am stuck trying to find portable generators for all of her constituents?” –Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum

“Please don’t tell Adam Smith I told you this, but I’m pretty sure he just farts on his keyboard every Friday and calls it ‘winner and loser of the week’  –Steve Bousquet

Please don’t tell Steve Bousquet I told you this, but the secret to great journalism is developing multiple sources so that you’re not screwed when Melissa Sellers leaves the Governor’s office.” –Matt Dixon

“Please don’t tell Matt Dixon I told you this, but the secret to great journalism is waiting for some dumb politician to poop on his own carpet, and then rub his nose in it like the filthy dog he is.” –Marc Caputo

“Please don’t tell Marc Caputo I told you this, but the secret to great journalism is to pay an army of real journalists and force them to write vanity articles about power players in Tallahassee.” –Peter Schorsch

“Please don’t tell Peter Schorsch I told you this, but the secret to great journalism is in keeping overhead low and profiting from the work of others, through curated aggregation.” –Justin Sayfie

Please don’t tell Mary Ellen Klas I told you this, but the secret to great journalism is in reading your spouse’s emails when your spouse leaves her phone on the kitchen table.” –John Kennedy

“Please don’t tell Gary Fineout, but I subscribe to John Kennedy’s ‘Secrets of Successful Journalism’ newsletter.” –Christine Sexton

“Please don’t tell your friends in the press that power has been restored to the Florida Press Center because I don’t want them writing stories asking why I’m out campaigning for Hillary when I should be in my Congressional District helping people find those missing county-owned generators.” –Adam Smith’s “Winner of the Week,” Gwen Graham 

“Not to change the subject from those missing generators, but please tell Boston journalist Lee Goddard that the Gators were never ‘scared’ of the Minutemen.” –Presumptive Governor Adam Putnam






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