Monday Mailbag: Beating the Proverbial Dead Horse Edition

by | Mar 23, 2020

Real* emails from real readers…  with apologies to all those who were hoping for fresh content unrelated to coronavirus and nude photos of Andrew Gillum.

“Please please please tell Ron DeSantis to declare martial law in Florida! It’s the only way to save us all from the flu.” –Nikki Fried

“Nonsense! We don’t need martial law to save us from coronavirus, we just need to shut down the all-you-can-eat buffets near The Villages.” –Jimmy Patronis

“If you truly want to save Florida, we just need to shut down all the casinos. Especially those run by the Seminole Tribe.” –Jackie Toledo

“I think just shutting down the other guys with slots and poker tables would do the trick.” –Marcellus Osceola, Jr.

“Obviously we just need to shut down the apothecaries and marijuana license holders in Florida, except the one my family owns.” –Halsey Beshears

“One thing we know will help: shutting down all the gay sex meth parties featuring porn star escorts and politicians.” –Miami Beach Police Department

“Never before in Florida politics has any public figure fallen so far, so fast.” –Charlie Crist

“Indeed.” –Bill McCollum

“Truly a tragic tale.” –Gwen Graham

“I’d never do meth.” –Jeb!

“Nor gay sex, for that matter.” –Jeb!


“So, I hate to change the subject…but I’m thinking maybe we should call a special session soon to figure out what Florida’s state budget actually should be.” –Jose Oliva

“You think our $93.2 billion budget is probably a bit optimistic?” –Bill Galvano

“We might be able to make the current budget work if we convert to a new form of currency.” –Florida budget guru Amy Baker



*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that Andrew Gillum’s lawyers know this post is a work of satire and won’t sue us for defamation relating to any comments about his meth-fueled romp with a male escort.


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