Monday Mailbag: Riddle Me This Edition

by | Feb 12, 2018

Real* riddles from real readers…

Riddle me this: how many Florida House Members does it take to change a lightbulb? Ask Richard Corcoran, because they can’t do anything without his permission.” –Joe Negron

Riddle me this: If a tree falls in the forest, but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? So if I’m named Loser of the Week but nobody knows who I am, does it hurt me or does it build my name ID?” –Future Attorney General Candidate Richard Corcoran

“I’m sure Corcoran’s name ID problem can easily be fixed after he posts some eye-popping fundraising numbers for January…oh…wait…he’s barred from raising money while the legislature’s in session. Too bad.” –The Four Million Dollar Man, Ron DeSantis

“Please tell Ron DeSantis that nobody will be impressed when he posts a lousy $4 million dollar month, when $3 million of that money came from his federal account. If he really wants to compete, he needs his Vegas casino magnates to stroke some fat checks.” –Adam Putnam

Please tell Ron DeSantis that with the stock market tanking, I’m gonna need a few more months before I can stroke some fat checks.” –Sheldon Adelson

Please tell Sheldon Adelson that he may be able to buy a governor candidate, but there’s still no way we’re gonna let him or anyone else expand gambling in Florida.” –Disney’s Government Affairs Team

Please ask Disney why they’ll spend millions to oppose gambling expansion because it’s not “family friendly,” but that same logic doesn’t apply to their stance on proposals that would expand alcohol access at their family-oriented theme parks.” Families Against Drunks at Disney (FADD)

“Speaking of drunk, it appears certain Florida Cities are drunk on power, banning everything from vacation rentals to vegetable gardens…might be time for us lawmakers to do something about it.” –Senator Rob “The Pre-Empter” Bradley

Speaking of drunk, I think POTUS was hammered the other day when he called me about my most recent television appearance. At least he’s sober enough to recognize my talents.” –Congressman Matt Gaetz

Isn’t it sad that Donald Trump can drunk dial Matt Gaetz, but normal Floridians can’t even get cannabis oil even though it’s perfectly legal in our state?” –John Morgan of Morgan and Morgan

Please cease and desist any and all unfounded references to POTUS drunk dialing people, as we don’t need any more bogus dossiers or false rumors to chase down here at the Department of Justice.” Jesse Panuccio

“I think it’s sad that the Florida media is still so drunk or high that they actually think talking about my personal wealth will somehow hurt me this time around, even though it didn’t work in 2010 or 2014.” –Rick Scott

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even Ron DeSantis’s fundraiser can tell the difference between an empty promise and a rock-solid commitment.



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