We’re a full week into the 2018 Legislative Session…and that much closer to the election cycle. Which means there’s a whole lotta political operatives already practicing their trade, which includes becoming a Real* Reader of The Capitolist, and sending Real* Emails containing unflattering quotes, quips and cuts. 

“Unlike fairweather fan Steve Schale, I’ve never waivered in my support for the Jacksonville Jaguars.” –Jacksonville Mayor Lenny Curry

“While I might have been harsh on Blake Bortles in the past, I’d rather he be lucky than good.” –Steve Schale

“Speaking of getting lucky, can you believe nobody’s released surveillance footage of me yet?” —State Senator Gary Farmer

“Speaking of sleazy affairs, can you believe people tried to blame me for dishing the surveillance footage website address to Matt Dixon? As if I’d give that fat sleaze-peddler the time of day…”  –Ex-Senator Jack “The Gripper” Latvala

“I am not all that fat.” —Matt Dixon

“Did anyone notice that Adam Smith didn’t post this week’s Winner and Loser of the Week, and yet it still sucked just as much as always?” –Kirby Wilson

“You mean because it ignored obvious political wins, like banning sanctuary cities, in order to opine about the plight of illegal aliens? No, I didn’t notice.” –Fred Piccolo

“Please tell Fred Piccolo I need his graphic design skills to help dress up my latest email scam…er…newsletter, which I deliberately gave a horrible name so that I can quickly launch yet another newsletter with a better name, and charge advertisers twice as much.” –Peter Schorsch

“We issue this joint statement admitting we separately came to the conclusion that the name of Peter Schorsch’s latest email newsletter really sucks.” —Oscar Braynon and Anitere Flores

“We aren’t ones to judge, but joint statements from people who aren’t supposed to be together in the first place look really, really weird.” —Frank Artiles and Joe Negron

“We couldn’t agree more.” –Debbie Mayfield and Ritch Workman

“Ditto.” –Marc Caputo and Dan Bongino

“Yeah…weird.” –Robert Coker and Eric Eikenberg

“Quite weird, in fact.” –David Jolly and Gwen Graham

“I hate breaking the chain, but I have to ask…is that previous email your way of hinting that Jolly is going to join Gwen Graham as her Lt. Governor?” –Phil Levine

“Speaking of the governor’s race, that sanctuary cities ban was a pretty slick move, you gotta admit.” –Richard Corcoran

“Yes, it was very slick. Please run for governor and stay out of the A.G. race…there are plenty of real conservatives running against me already.” –Ashley Moody

“I hate to change the subject, did you see the Black History Month contest I announced? A Celebration of Innovative African-American Leaders.” —Governor Rick Scott

“I guess you screwed me over again. I’m ineligible to win since I’m a black American, but not ‘African.'” –Trinidadian-American Jennifer Carroll 

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even philandering politicians and sleazy private investigators can tell the difference between grainy surveillance video and completely concocted political hits thinly disguised as satire.